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Rich Fulcher

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Double Dip Christmas

Posted: 21/12/11 00:00

While I am no Paul Krugman (or even a Jack Klugman), it is arguable that we are in the midst of a second recession. At the very least, we are definitely experiencing some kind of 'double dip', i.e we thought we were going to climb out of our economic doldrums, then we experienced a second dip. It's sort of like the optimism one has when viewing a Kevin Smith film, then realising halfway through that it's not going to get any better.

But there is hope, expecially (spelled deliberately wrong for comic effect) during this holiday season. Why not revel in our financial impotence this year and have what I like to call a 'double dip' Christmas? (This also applies to Hanukkah and Kwanzaa). Here's how it works:

- If you usually have one ladle-full of egg nog or gin nog, or simply nog - take two. You deserve it, man! It's hard talking to your next-door neighbour, Scranton, about converting his garden shed into a pole dancing workout studio for his wife Panda Lynn (I just made up those names) without getting 'nogganised'. Besides, she's always parading around half-naked in your azaleas.

- If you're slated to stay at your Uncle Fitzroy's for two days, extend it to four days instead. Consider that extra quality time watching DVD commentary of The Dam Busters and taking his kids out to see the local pan flautists a paid holiday.

- If you are going to eat three servings of mom's yams with pumpkin gravy along with a large heaping of "why you're not responsible enough and that's why no one will marry you", try six instead. It will make that post-dinner coma come that much quicker when she starts to analyse your wardrobe.

In case you didn't notice, or are drunk, a 'double dip' Christmas means doubling down on all your holiday activities. It's very similar to the martingale system of gambling where if you lose a bet, you simply double your bets until you win.*

So to review, if you normally buy six gifts, suck it up and get a dozen; get two trees, double your ornaments, house guests, turduckens, reindeer, pole dancers (pole blitzens, get it?). Lose yourself in the holiday 'double dip' spirit and before you know it - boom! Economic recovery.

That's right. By applying my methods, you will have inadvertently rejuvenated the economy by trying to heal your poverty-stricken sorrows. Economics is all mental anyway, so if we are spending money, the economy will gimongous kick start.

Look at the stock market: in anticipation of a Filipino tsunami, weather vane stocks rose 157%. It's all a social science and therefore, will always be dictated by socials, I mean, society and how we feel.

So let us forget about the economy and our woes, start double dipping, and we'll soon be ladling cash in 2012 instead of that cheap-ass nog. Burp. Excuse you!

Merry double dips.

* unfortunately, this only works if you have an infinite amount of wealth.