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A Typical* day in the Life of a TV Presenter (With Apologies to Sue Townsend)

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RICK EDWARDS
PA

*Probably not that typical, actually.

7am wake up in a panic about missing train to Bristol. Train not for another two hours. Curse inability to find a decent alarm sound on phone. Switch alarm to snooze. Snooze.

7.30 wake again, with hungry cats pawing at face.

7.35 wander downstairs to feed cats. Discover fly infestation. Look for suitable swatter. Flail about with an oven glove. Open back door and try to usher flies out. Flies stay put.

7.45 make tea. Look at twitter. Not much going on at 7.45 on a Saturday morning. Try to think of something amusing to write. Something that will get retweeted worldwide. Decide to come back to it.

7.54 try spraying flies with Windolene. Flies are untroubled.

7.55 compose amusing tweet about flies. Delete it immediately.

8.01 pack enormous bag with majority of wardrobe, since can't be bothered to figure out what to wear for work later.

8.09 get dressed. Observe that the freshly washed white t-shirt I have on still has a trace of curried sweet potato soup just below the neck. Hope it's 'not too noticeable'.

8.15 try to catch cat who needs to take medication. Cat decidedly unenthusiastic. Mainly focused on chasing flies, who appear to be multiplying.

8.22 finally catch cat. Cat refuses to open mouth. Cat wriggles out of grasp, draws blood.

8.25 phone rings. Cab has arrived. Still haven't managed to force pills down cat's throat. Wonder if pills are absolutely essential.

8.28 manage to wrap cat in towel, prise open its jaws, and thrust pills in. Cat not in the least bit grateful.

8.30 cab calls again to ask if I realise that they charge for waiting time. I do realise this.
8.32 get in cab.

8.52 arrive at London Paddington. Recall struggling to squeeze into some trousers last week, so buy salad from Marks and Sparks for breakfast.

8.53 buy hot breakfast bagel (multiseed though, so - healthy) to supplement salad.

8.57 Board train with time to spare. Feel smug.

9.01 sit back and happily ponder how much I can get done in the 1hr 40 min journey. An opportunity to work in peace. Uninterrupted.

9.03 check twitter. No @replies to deal with. Worrying.

9.11 comb through emails, red-flagging 17 as 'To Do'. Thus taking total 'To Do' emails to 43. Eat bagel.

9.20 elect to deal with emails later. More pressingly, need to conjure up first blog for Huffington Post. Can't decide what to write. Jot down a few very pedestrian ideas. Genuinely consider a blog entitled 'Wasting Time On Trains'. Might be very post-modern. But more likely to be shit.

9.24 eventually settle on this, a thinly-veiled rip off of Adrian Mole, in the vain hope that most people won't remember Adrian Mole. Begin writing.

9.45 pleased with how it's going. Reward myself with a little nap.

10.30 wake up with a hot face. Always get a hot face after sleeping in the day. Frustrating, given my predilection for naps. Splash sparkling water on face. Tingling sensation not entirely unpleasant.

10.40 get off train and start lugging massive bag to hotel. The distance from the station to the hotel is right on the cusp - not far enough to warrant a taxi, but too far to drag luggage. Face getting hotter.

10.51 arrive at hotel. Get into room after fiasco with keycard (again). Chuck some more water (tap) on face. Lie down.

10.54 eat half a pack of stale mini poppadums. And a flapjack that has been left in the room. Wracked with food guilt.

11.02 nothing to report.

11.16 get picked up from hotel. Make small talk with the runner. Ask lots of questions about him. Easy, because he's nice. And one day, he might be a channel commissioner or an executive producer, and he'll remember how lovely I was, and give me a job when no-one else will.

11.59 arrive 'on set', say hello to Floor Manager. He asks what I've spilled down the front of my t-shirt. Explain that it is freshly washed, but that sweet potato is a stubborn stain. He suggests Vanish spray. I thank him.

12.01 sit in 'dressing room'. A room with no carpet - just underlay. And a red drape across the window to eliminate all light. The sort of room Dracula might like to dress in.

12.45 get face covered with powder. It takes months off me/makes me look a bit like Kryten from Red Dwarf.

12.55 start filming.

22.10 finish filming.

22.11 leave set.

22.15 shattered. Definitely can't be bothered to write any more. Have reached word limit, fortunately.