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Kicking 2012 Right Up The Bum On The Way Out

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Here we are, at BBC Television Centre. It's New Year's Eve, so sadly everybody is off still for Christmas, but we thank-you for tuning in for a celebration of the worst yet most important moments of 2012. We've got a whole host of special guests in the audience, including a poor woman who's now in her 60s, but was abused by Jimmy Savile backstage in this very building fifty years ago. Without sullying the tones, here's a fun little award to kick things off.

My first award goes to Pitta Bread of the Year, which was the one that I managed to blag for £1 along with a dollop of hummus from a food van in Hyde Park some time in July. We were worried this gong might be stolen by a certain Antony Worrall Thompson, but fortunately he's still en route to the studio as he's using Apple Maps. Yes, ladies and gents, you're here for a recap of the most boring yet influential things of 2012. Obviously, we'll be sat tight with our bums on the edge of the seat, waiting to find out who wins the coveted Ronnie of the Year award at the end of the night.

Moving things on to our second award, here's Mo Farah doing something other than smiling or being a general all-round-nice-guy and handing out our second award, for Television Moment of the Year. "Thanks Ronnie, it's been an amazing year for sport, yet it wasn't my own sporting victory that wins the award, instead it was the time that Ronnie lost the remote during the the Closing Ceremony of the Olympics and had to endure it on a loop for the next three weeks, whilst suffering an extended state of sleep paralysis."

Well, thanks for that Mo. Maybe we'll see you in four years for more gold. Or maybe we'll see you on I'm A Celebrity in 2016. On that note, here is Nadine Dorries with Band of the Year. "Thanks Ron - well, British music has never been better this year, but it's also been a great year for wristbands. The Isle of Wight festival introduced pre-paid Visa wristbands where you could pay for booze and food just by scanning it. This caused a great stir when Ronnie accidentally pre-loaded his entire life savings upon one, which he then lost, moshing out to some crappy band in a muddy field."

If you're just tuning in, thankfully it's the end of 2012. Remember, it's not too late for you to vote for your Ronnie of the Year, we'll reveal the results at the end. But first, it's time for our special guest to present Movie of the Year, it is none other than Robert Pattison's brother. "That's right, what a year for films. We've had Batman in The Dark Knight Rises, Spiderman in The Amazing Spider-Man, and also The Expendables, in The Expendables 2. A rich year for original ideas in Hollywood, I think you'll agree. Yet none of these iconic films could surpass the thrill that was watching The Queen's Speech.... in 3D!"

Wow, nobody expected that. Poor Martin Freeman, he must feel robbed. Never fear, there's still lots more awards to be won, as we announce the winner of Weather of the Year. Michael Fish, it's over to you. "Thanks a lot, it's an honour to be here, and what a year for weather we've had. But none so more terrifically shit than the rain during the Jubilee parade on the River Thames. It made an already bleak celebration of this entrenched authoritarian regime even more insufferable." We also would like to run a quick obituary for the British summer, which died after just a week in the early months of 2012.

Oh no, what's this? Gangnam Style? Yes, it's a live performance from Psy and his one millionth view on Youtube this month sadly stopped the impending Mayan Apocalypse. He's here to collect his award for Disappointment of the Year, still wearing those shades, most likely due to having severe cataracts. Sadly we couldn't afford for Felix Baumgartne to be here tonight, so we've retracted his award for Most Pointless Stunt of the Year. That's fine though, because luckily Nadine Dorries is here to take it off his hands instead. Oh no, we've had a late contender, and that's the fact that Piers Morgan is still alive.

So, that leaves us with one more award, and that goes to Ronnie of the Year. You've been voting in your droves, and we've counted all three votes. Sadly, the three members of my family that still speak to me couldn't be here tonight, but their votes have been counted, and we're proud to announce that the Ronnie of the Year award goes to somebody other than me, because I've actually had a fucking shite year. I can't wait to kick 2012 right up the arsehole on the way out.

Finally, to sing us out, covering Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful', it's our Columnist of the Year, Samantha Brick. Sadly our original headliner, the Lostprophets, have had to cancel due to "personal issues". We all really wish we were watching Carly Rae Jepsen, but we can't have everything now, can we? Thank-you, and good-night, afraid we won't be back next year as I plan to commit suicide at the stroke of midnight tonight.