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10 Things You Need to Know Before Moving to London

16/07/2014 11:44 BST | Updated 14/09/2014 10:59 BST

My cousin e-mailed me and asked me a few questions about moving to London that I felt compelled to share with you all:

1) Is it true if you speak to someone you don't know on the tube whilst it's moving, the whole carriage makes you get off at the next stop?

Absolutely. Avoid all eye contact too, otherwise you will need to purchase a new Oyster card.

2) If you want to get a studio flat in Shoreditch, you should look for adverts in local kebab shop windows?

Try Gumtree if you want to live with likeminded new friends, also remember your deposit is there to protect.. you.

3) Don't get rid of your white iPhone headphones because everyone in London already has a pair of those somewhere and the likelihood of being mugged is reduced?

Everyone has Beats headphones now, so you'll actually be looking pretty retro aka cool.

4) Oxford Circus is actually quietest weekdays at 6pm but the media lie to us about it so we don't go there then?

Never had any problems at that time...

5) If you demo outside the BBC, no matter what the cause, you will end up on the Six O'Clock News?

Pretty much, BBC cover everything on their doorsteps as the journalists can report direct from their desks.

6) Hampstead Heath woods is a great place to hang out at night time, especially to make new friends?

Bring a rucksack.

7) Nobody wears a helmet when cycling on Boris Bikes because their heads are already rock solid from all the pollution in the air in the city? (Not sure about this one!)

This isn't true. Nobody wears a helmet because everyone in London is hard.

8) Illegal minicabs are only outlawed because the government doesn't want us to get cheaper fares because George Osbourne owns the company who makes black cabs?

They represent great efficiency too - they know every road off by heart and always find the fastest route without getting lost.

9) Camden high street is one of the trendiest places to go on a Saturday night, and that there are some really amazing pubs full of lovely people to check out?

Check out The Good Mixer and Proud Camden if you really want an amazing night out.

10) Finally, someone told me that Primrose Hill is a dump and just full of high street chains like Asda and Moonsoon.

Wouldn't even entertain the thought of visiting that hell-hole. If you want greenery, try Finsbury Park instead.