The last nine months of my life....
I have been going out with an alcoholic for nine months. I didn't think I would ever go out with such a complex yet wonderfully confusing character. My life has been turned upside down too but now after all this time my life is beginning to calm down as it has now ended. I have been around addicts, either through work, friends or ex lovers. I realized the other day that most of my past relationships have been addicted to some sort of substance. It seems to be something I can't get away from. What does that mean?
I feel we are all here for a purpose and if mine is helping others then that's okay. But sometimes we just need to stop being too open and helpful. It can burn us out.
I also think it can be inherent in us to by the way our relationships develop through with our parents. My mother is deeply caring via the use of food, cooking and practical ways. It can also be something we develop via life skills and the way we become in certain situations. I feel the need to help people in a caring way. It can be a wonderful thing yet recently I have began to realize it is going against me. My boundaries are flawed. I have so many friends and aquaintances that I seem to help and say yes to when the time isn't right.
This last relationship has been so tough most of the time. Yet, there has been so much love between us. It is hard to think that I will not see him. If only he could see the bigger picture. It is not something he can do. It's not him because he's too far into himself. The narcissism in him will not allow it. It is about him, and only him. As long as there is a pint is in front of him he is okay. But the pint is no longer his best friend. It won't be his best mate for much longer...His liver is not in a good way.
My need to put up boundaries is getting easier. My need to see much longer I can go without helping someone. I am exploring this. And will explore further.
My problem in this relationship was that I gave too much. He took, I gave, I pushed, he resisted. Now he says he's sad about it. Why throw away what we had when it could be so easy? But life isn't easy. It never is. The fact he told me about his liver is the detriment to all of this. Knowledge is education. If we know then we have only one thing to do and that is to work on it. If we don't know then we can only go by what that person has told us. We trust them more and we will leave them to make their own mistakes. But after a month into a relationship; how can we cope when we are told someone is ill, it's too much? How can a relationship develop when that is put onto us? Unless someone wants to help himself there isn't anything we can do. Always trust your gut instinct and never doubt your feelings when they are being compromised.