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Real Fear vs. That B#tch: What's Really Stopping You?

09/07/2014 15:10 BST | Updated 07/09/2014 10:59 BST

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I've heard the story countless times in countless ways. I didn't take the gig because I was afraid of singing in front of a crowd. I'm staying at this job because I'm afraid there isn't anything better out there. I'm alone because I'm afraid if I let someone in, they may reject me. I'm unhappy because I'm afraid to [just fill in the blank with whatever seemingly logical explanation you use to keep you in whatever unsatisfying circumstance you've been dwelling in].

Many people use fear as the reason they don't act on their intuition, follow their purpose or create the life they would truly love living. Instead, they focus on how they can't or won't do something because they're afraid that this or that will happen. But is it really fear that's stopping you? Or is it just that bitch inside your brain?

You know that inner bitch. She shows up disguised as fear but is really worry underneath. She's a cynical self doubter, a critical perfectionist and a limited believer. You think she knows you so well because you've been hearing her voice chatter in your head for years. You may even think she is you because she's the only voice allowed to speak for such long stretches of time. But in actuality, she's only an uninvited house guest that won't leave because you keep feeding her for free.

The first question is: do you know the difference between real fear or that bitch? If you're not sure, check out the results you're experiencing in your life. Are you happy? Experiencing passion? Is your time spent profitably? If the answer is no, no and no, then you've been letting that bitch run your life.

Now before I show you one simple yet effective way to kick her out, you must first know the difference between real fear and that bitch. The best explanation of real fear I know is from top U.S. Security Expert, Gavin De Becker, in his New York Times best selling book, The Gift of Fear.

De Becker defines real fear as an intuitive protective mechanism that we feel in the presence of dangerous circumstances that could lead to immediate physical pain or death. If you're experiencing fear, the good news is that nothing bad has happened yet. Fear alerts you so you can make life saving choices to prevent pain or death.

Now when you speak in public there is no immediate danger linked to physical pain or death. Of course, you could go up in front of a crowd and be so bad that the audience will literally stone you to death. But that's highly unlikely and really not what you're fearing when you face an audience. It's the possible social rejection from your stuttering and sweating through this speech that could ultimately lead to your business going into the pits and you ending up homeless under a bridge.

Although this long line of possible consequences ultimately links you to death by starvation, it's not a present danger so real fear isn't what's going on here. It's really that bitch. She basically shows up as worry and anxiety over uncertainty. She's negative and causes you to remain at a stand still, while pretending you're doing something by worrying about it.

So here's one of my simple yet effective ways to kick that bitch out of your brain. I use my 7 Step FLY System™ to guide me through the process.

Step 1

This step is always about self awareness. Without it, you're living 80% in the dark. For this particular solution, I use what I learned from De Becker to guide me.

1) When you feel fear, listen.

2) When you don't feel fear, don't manufacture it within your mind.

3) If you find yourself creating worry, ask yourself why.

Step 2

Now weigh your cost versus the benefit you receive by listening to that bitch. A popular reward of worry is avoiding change because you're so caught up in your worries that you don't take actual action to do something about it.

Once you can see what you're giving up like a life filled with purpose, passion and profit in order to remain in your safe yet unsatisfying circumstances, proceed on.

Step 3

It's decision time. Most of us allow our circumstances to dictate when we make a decision. For instance, you may say I'll decide to buy a sofa when I have the money. Money then will come and go but for whatever reason you can't seem to be in the right circumstances to buy a sofa until you finally just decide to do so. Then you get that unexpected client that covers the cost. So make a decision based off of what you'd truly love to happen and follow the signs until you see the circumstances around you rearrange to support your decision.

Step 4

Create an image of what your life would look like if you didn't listen to that bitch any more. Let the different actions this new you would take play out like a film trailer in your imagination.

Step 5

Here's the plan. Every time that bitch starts telling you can't put too much faith in yourself and the world around you because that will surely lead to a life under that bridge, you just reply with your new mantra. Mantras help you switch your mindset easily and focus on your desire. Try I am powerful. Repeat it as much as necessary until that bitch stops.

Step 6

Take consistent action every time you hear that bitch in your brain by acknowledging life has uncertainty, saying your mantra and refocusing your attention on the solution. Watch the video below if you'd like me to show you a fun, creative and easy tool called a win chart to achieve this with ease.

Step 7

Spend as much time as possible celebrating every single thing that's gone your way. The more time you spend focusing on what's going right in your life, the more that bitch will feel unwelcome and will finally leave since she's no longer getting fed.

That bitch always has a long list of possible unfortunate outcomes that could eventually lead to your certain demise. But what's really happening today is she's clouding your judgment, muddling your decisions, and ruining your outcomes. So I highly recommend you get on kicking that bitch out of your brain pronto.

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