THE BLOG

ITV, Please Hire Me

07/07/2014 14:08 BST | Updated 03/09/2014 10:59 BST

To whom it may concern at ITV,

My name is Ross Semple, and I am writing to you about The Real Housewives of Cheshire. I would have gotten in touch sooner, but I was too overcome with emotion when I read that your new channel (ITVBe) will not only show every American incarnation of Housewives - but also feature the first ever UK series. It felt like my prayers had been answered. After all, I have been waiting for a UK version of the show since New Jersey's Teresa Giudice flipped that table in 2009.

I have never met a reality show I didn't like. I wholeheartedly believe that reality TV programmes are the soap operas of our time, and should be celebrated for what they are rather than reviled by televisual snobs. Lisa Vanderpump is as much of an icon as Dot Cotton or Gail 'ET' Platt. The Beverly Hills 'Dinner Party From Hell' is just as significant as Den leaving Angie. As an undergraduate student of film and television studies, I feel like I am qualified to make this judgement.

My degree is shortly coming to an end, whereupon I will be thrust headfirst into the world of 'real' work. I have heard that to get anywhere in the television business, you have to know people. Well I don't know anyone, but I do have access to this blog and no shame; so I figure this will operate as an alternative to networking. With my passion for the genre, I feel like I would be a great fit on this series. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that I want to work on Real Housewives of Cheshire.

I have picked up a variety of skills that will be invaluable in working on this programme and with its stars. I was a waiter in a hotel for three years. In my time there I worked with a number of chefs; so I am used to dealing with egomaniacs who have questionable drinking habits. I am also a dab hand at cleaning up wine stains, which will no doubt come in handy when the ladies start launching Merlot at one another.

I have even tried to bring The Real Housewives into my own life by eavesdropping on conversations my mum has with her girlfriends. These attempts have been futile though, as their chats aren't nearly as exciting as the ones on television. None of my mum's friends have had any plastic surgery; nor do they regularly cheat on their husbands.

I'm not picky about what kind of job I do. It is my dream to host the reunion show, but I am willing to take a lesser position until you can see what I am capable of. I could write the little sound bites for the opening credits. For example, 'I'm a farmer, so I know bullshit when I smell it'. Or what about 'This Cheshire cat has claws'? If you don't trust me to do that, I can take another job - I am really good at making coffee. Honestly, I'll take anything I can get. Even if that means sweeping up blood-drenched hair extensions that have been freshly ripped from a housewife's head.

I hope this letter finds you well, and I look forward to your reply.

Your favourite prostitution whore,

Ross Semple