The Jubilee may be over, but fear not: Summer has yet to begin. Our salvation is coming. Just a few more days and it will be here to save us all.
I am referring, of course, to the triumphant return of Geordie Shore. That's right, everyone's favourite televisual train wreck is screeching back for a third season. The amazingly-titled Geordie Shore: Chaos in Cancún will see our favourite characters (Vicky, Sophie, James, Charlotte, Holly, Gary, Jay, Rebecca & Ricci) head to Mexico for eight episodes of unadulterated filth and questionable behaviour. So, what can we expect from this season?
There were lots of story threads that were left unresolved at the end of the season two. I call them story threads, even though though they are obviously natural occurrences that are definitely not constructed by the producers to create drama. Definitely not.
The residents of Geordie Shore aren't doing to well on the relationship front. Firstly, there's the 'will they, won't they' game of Sexual Snakes and Ladders between Charlotte and Gary. I genuinely can't help but feel sorry for Charlotte. Every time she comes to her senses and gets away from Gary, she ends up sliding back down that snake. Or parsnip.
Then we've got the show's other romance: the bi-polar relationship between Vicky and Ricci. The couple have engaged in something of a whirlwind romance. After cheating on her previous boyfriend with Ricci for most of last season, Vicky finally decided to give the poor boy a chance. Good old crazy Vicky didn't disappoint, and the pair have been fighting ever since. The couple's engagement, filmed during this season, will only add to the insanity. I am impatiently waiting for MTV to greenlight Geordie Wedding, which I will watch every second of.
The other girls have a lot of baggage from last season that they are taking with them to Mexico. Sophie has taken back her dickhead of a boyfriend, Joel. I can't stand the guy, and he seems like a total idiot. The only thing lower than his IQ is his V-neck. Meanwhile, Holly and Rebecca, the 'rejects' of the bunch, seem to have developed a genuine friendship. This isn't too surprising, seeing as they share many of the same hobbies, which include wearing ill-fitting clothing and embarrassing themselves to get the attention of the ladz. Or James, in Holly's case.
I feel sorry for James. His name has become synonymous with not 'banging'. Holly follows him around like he's handing out free false eyelashes. Finally, and most worrying of all, he seems to think that his hairstyle is attractive. This isn't Mad Men, James. And if it was, Don Draper would not tolerate your silly antics or tight vests. Either way, the combover is silly and needs to go away.
Who have I forgotten? Oh yes, Jay. Remember all the way back in season one, when Jay was actually relevant to the series? Jay was the alpha male, 'banging' everything that moved and starting all the fights. Now, his rocky relationship with Vicky seems like a fairytale romance compared to her antics with Ricci. While the drama has intensified, Jay has faded into obscurity. Somewhere out there, while the rest of the cast hang out together, Jay is silently weeping, while plucking his eyebrows.
Now that we know where everyone's at, we can look ahead to the new season. Judging by the trailer below, it looks like it will not disappoint. Watch out America, I've got a feeling that a lot of Mexicans will be sneaking over the border to escape from these mental Geordies.
Geordie Shore: Chaos in Cancún begins Tuesday, June 26th at 10pm on MTV.
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