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Ruth Dawkins

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It's Okay To Be An Imperfect Parent

Posted: 16/08/11 01:00 BST

When my son was about six months old, we started taking him to swimming lessons, and I remember being awed by the number of mothers who showed up at the pool every week with perfectly painted toenails, immaculate bikini lines, and tummies that had returned to pre-baby muscle tone.

Jeez, I thought, where do they find the time to do that? I thought of my own days, which were still flying by in a haze of feeds and laundry and naps. Some days I found time to smear a bit of moisturiser on my cheeks, but that was about the extent of my personal grooming.

In truth though, it had little to do with the demands of my son. Even before his arrival, when I had oodles of spare time, I didn't have pedicures. I had never been the kind of person who could organise her life to the extent where it felt like I 'had it all'. Something always had to slip.

I had been an Imperfect Student (spending too much time on the union elections and not enough time on my dissertation), an Imperfect Green (overly fond of my tumble dryer and short haul flights), and an Imperfect Wife (crap at cooking, stubborn, always forgetting to replace the loo roll).

So it didn't come as a huge shock to realise that I was also going to be an Imperfect Parent. I know that Perfect Parents do exist - the ones with an immaculate house, smart clothes, three delicious home-made meals every day, and polite, happy, well-adjusted children to boot - but not in this house.

What I hope though, is that when I let things slip in relation to my son, it's only the small things. When he was born, my husband and I vowed to each other that we would do anything in our power to keep him healthy, happy and safe. Beyond that, we would accept our limitations.

So yes, I do sometimes shove a bag of chocolate buttons in my son's hands, just to avoid a tantrum in the supermarket queue. Some nights I step over his trucks to get into bed because I haven't bothered to pick them up. When we go to our Tumble Tots classes on Friday mornings, my hair is usually still soaking wet from the shower, because I haven't found time to dry it. Last night I'd had big plans for Annabel Karmel vegetable skewers...but by 4.30pm I was whacked, so I sat him in front of a Peppa Pig video for ten minutes and stuck a pizza in the oven.

Looking back a few years from now, I am pretty sure that none of that will matter too much. I hope not.

The real joy of being an imperfect parent is that on those rare occasions when you pull off something perfect - when you haven't had to let anything slip - you appreciate it all the more. There are those days when you manage to have fun with your family, cook something tasty for dinner, avoid any arguments AND slap on a bit of mascara. My standards may be pretty low, but for me, that spells perfection.

 

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When my son was about six months old, we started taking him to swimming lessons, and I remember being awed by the number of mothers who showed up at the pool every week with perfectly painted toenails...
When my son was about six months old, we started taking him to swimming lessons, and I remember being awed by the number of mothers who showed up at the pool every week with perfectly painted toenails...
 
 
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lawgrrl
Repubs need a "time-out" until they can behave.
07:41 PM on 08/17/2011
The examples of "imperfect" parenting were a bit too cute. Really, the biggest example of being "imperfect" is giving your child a snack to keep them quiet in the supermarket line? I don't want to take away from the author, and I don't want to be insulting or snarky with a fellow mom. But moms have bigger struggles with imperfection than those examples. How about losing your temper? Yelling? Not following through on punishments? Being too tired sometimes to give them the attention they want on a given day? When charming examples are provided, it is no comfort and makes other mothers feel worse b/c they feel alone in the mistakes they make. I know for me, when I find that someone else is experiencing what I am, it helps me take the pressure off myself, I stop beating myself up with internal conversations about what I messed up on, which then in turn helps me to be a better mother, oddly enough, because I can slow down, take a breath, re-boot, and do better the next time an imperfect moment is about to rear its ugly head. Just thoughts from another imperfect mother.
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Ruth Dawkins
09:26 AM on 08/18/2011
Thanks for your feedback - not snarky at all! I agree with most of your thoughts - reading about another person's experiences can be massively comforting if you feel they have gone through something similar, and I think that's particularly true in the parenting world. I know when my son was born I would be on my ipod at 3am reading about sleep patterns and breastfeeding and PND, getting a lot of reassurance from the knowledge that everyone finds it hard to begin with.

So, of course I have bigger struggles than whether or not it's okay to buy chocolate buttons - and sometimes I write about those more difficult things too. By using cute examples I certainly didn't mean to diminish the more difficult experiences of others. In response though, I repeat what I said to AmbitiousMamas - this was supposed to be an piece of writing that entertained, rather than one that claimed to offer any serious advice or expert knowledge.

Perhaps this doesn't work in the HuffPost context - it was originally written for a Blog 'Carnival' where dozens of parents blogged about Imperfect Parenting - some chose to deal with that in a serious way, and others chose to make it more lighthearted, like I did. I guess in future if I post anything similar I should give that context from the outset, to make it clear than I'm not attempting to be any kind of Mummy Guru - just sharing my own experiences in what
01:26 AM on 08/17/2011
When I read the heading of this post I assumed the contents would be reflective of the debate going on in wider society of the role of parenting in the context of the riots. Why do middle-class mothers persist in living in a bubble where 'imperfect' parenting refers to the odd 'bad' treat and not getting the child's school kit or whatever such attire together and on time? That is not 'imperfect' parenting. It's called 'life'. If all that middle class mothers aspire to is having a clean house, 5 a day and other such like things then it is no wonder that there is a huge malaise of illiberal parenting in our society among the middle classes.
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Ruth Dawkins
07:01 PM on 08/17/2011
I completely agree with you that there is a need for the kind of posts, debate and discussion you talk about - parenting in relation to the society we currently live in. And I think that is definitely happening - not just on HuffPost but all around the blogosphere. However, I don't think that means that there isn't also a place for pieces like this that are so obviously lighthearted and slightly tongue-in-cheek.

Honestly, I'm still forming my thoughts on those bigger issues, and enjoying reading many different perspectives. I'm sorry if the heading of this article misled you about the content.
10:15 PM on 08/18/2011
Hi Ruth, thank you very much for replying to my comment. I really appreciate your thoughts in response. What is interesting also is what you have written in reply to 'lawgrrl'. I know of the Carnival you refer to and I understand a lot more now where you are coming from. The Mummy blogsphere does operate along different lines.
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Janis Curry
08:31 PM on 08/16/2011
Oh - I almost forgot... if you're looking for super easy, quick one-pot recipes, Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food is the best cookbook I've ever owned. A sure win is something (anything) from his Stews chapter - prepare it in 10 mins, stick it in the oven and head out to the park. If you serve it with couscous you can eat a gorgeous homecooked meal within 3 mins of walking in the door.

You win on all counts - the kids will think you're amazing because you've been hanging out with them all day, you'll have given them a wholesome homemade meal and will be able to enjoy the look on your mother-in-law's face when the kids boast about your cooking, and stress-levels will be low because you'll avoid all the sugar-crash whining by serving up before they even say a peep.
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Janis Curry
08:22 PM on 08/16/2011
This really made me laugh! With a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old, personal grooming has become something of a luxury for me too. I've learned that there is a reason lots of mums wear those little ballet slipper things instead of sandals in the summer. It has nothing to do with fashion and everything to do with hiding Hobbit feet. The other bits (lack of a perfect bikini line, and a stretched tummy) are great for ensuring you don't even more young children to contend with in the near future. I think it's a subconscious survival strategy.

Whenever I'm feeling down about not looking like the perfect parent, my friends or hubby remind me that it's all about priorities. I'm not at the gym getting rid of that post-baby tummy because I'm reading bedtime stories with my kids, and I didn't make homemade lasagne because I took them to the park instead of spending hours in the kitchen.

I think as long as you get the balance right - play with your kids, cuddle them, and give them boundaries, and also do the things that are the most important to you - then you've done everything you can and that's perfect enough.
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Ruth Dawkins
06:56 PM on 08/17/2011
Ha! This made me laugh a lot! You're right - the lack of personal grooming (along with having your husband watch you give birth!) is probably the best contraceptive ever! It sounds like you've got your priorities absolutely right too. I've got another post that I'll put up sometime about how important it is to give your kids attention with things like bedtime stories rather than trying to multitask all the time.
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05:21 AM on 08/16/2011
It's OK To Be An Imperfect Parent? It's inevitable.
You can do your best to be kind, caring and intelligent, but mistakes are inevitable. If a mistake you make hurts your child, you apologise honestly and sincerely to him or her and start again. With any luck, the next mistake will be further away than the last one and less serious. Comparing yourself to other parents, like all comparisons of self to other, can only make you unhappy.
Bribing the child with treats is a bad idea - whatever rules you adopt as a parent are THE rules (and they're your choice/responsibility as a parent, so you get them as right as you can). Inflexible rules and clear limits - which will be arguable and seen as absurd ten years later - nonetheless give the child security and when there's no point in a tantrum, there will be no tantrums.
I can't think of anything more superficial than 'perfectly painted toenails, immaculate bikini lines, and tummies that had returned to pre-baby muscle tone'. OK in advertisements; hell to live with, I'd imagine.
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Ruth Dawkins
04:46 PM on 08/16/2011
Some great thoughts there - I think you're right that apologising to your child when you make a mistake is very important indeed.
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SithRose
Mommy, I need Cthulhu. He keeps bad dreams away.
06:29 AM on 08/17/2011
Fanned. Faved. In total agreement. Treats are ONLY rewards for good behavior. Parents make mistakes. I've apologized to my kids before and I will again.

Painted toenails? Bikini lines? Perfect coiffure and makeup? Not in my wildest dreams. I'm not interviewing for a job, my "professional look" involves baby spit-up, cat hair, a peanut butter or jam smear, slightly frizzy hair, and four happy boys who know that they ARE loved even when they make mistakes and get into trouble. That IS my job. And there's nothing like toddler leg lifts and baby arm curls to get you back into shape!
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Ruth Dawkins
06:54 PM on 08/17/2011
Thanks! I am completely in agreement with you - having a child (or children - four - wow!) who knows they are loved is absolutely the most important thing, and if you're managing that then everything else can slip without you worrying about it! And gosh yes, the ubiquitous smears on your clothing... I don't even notice anymore!