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WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because - well - it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
Originally posted on The Bake Off Update.
Signature - chocolate bread - because that's a thing.
Technical - dampfnudel - featuring an annoying lesson bit with Mel and a quartet of miming singers - do not mock our intelligence BBC! We've all seen Britney perform, we know a mime when we see one.
Showstopper - savoury plait centrepiece
Wardrobe-wise, I love a Zara blazer as much as the next girl, but come on.
Paul is such a lad in the tent. Some men are boob guys, some are bum guys, Paul?
'He's a bread guy'. Yeaaaah he is.
Mary's face of the week
She was a bit slow off the mark in understanding her role as a judge, saying: 'That looks good. It looks tempting. I want to eat it' Good. Do. You can.
So... bread... bread knowledge...
350g of butter?!
A single prove?!
ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU'RE ON THE LEDGE MATE, I NEED TO TALK YOU DOWN.
Oh no wait, I have no idea.
But these people are just as useless! Most of their bakes were shit.
'The star baker in bread bake has always gone into the final'
Really? I'd be surprised if any of them make it.
I'm always so impressed when people come across well on TV, god help them - anyone can be made to look like a twat.
Benjamina is just normal and not annoying - doing things like:
Her savoury plait received rave review from Hollyw: 'gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous'.
He had a tough episode, with a lot of suspect bubbling in and around his balls... and the dampfnudel wasn't good either.
He actually managed to blush through his beard at one point, QT.
'It hasn't got the usual pesto ingredients: garlic, ginger, coriander, chilli.'
Why are you calling it pesto then?! I made my peace with Benjamina and her walnuts, but this? Is pesto even THAT impressive?! Everyone's clinging onto it like Sadie Frost onto Kate Moss (quite a dated reference... let's update that to Nick Grimshaw, still onto Kate Moss (Kate is an ageless vampire)).
She's still oh so perfect and cutesy and named her loaf after nanny Cobble (and then made it look like a cobbled street, rude).
There was a hint of human about her when she was mortified at the thought of more kids: 'thank the lord' we all thought!
But no, a few minutes later: 'This bread is to make everyone happy, because some people like white chocolate, some people like dark chocolate, some people like...'
To her credit, a mighty fine showstopper...
But again, the minute we like her, stupid reaction:
A slow starter but by the end my fave. I actually forgot he'd made the basket base as well. His bread looked like wood, do you realise how hard that is?! (Me neither).
'Mum, just let me go on Bake Off, alright! It's a really respected show and could open up doors for me.'
Such a rollercoaster to watch, she bought chocolate spread (an unnecessary no no) and then Mary said the choc wasn't even done - how the hell did she manage to reverse the lifecycle of a spread?!
She's got an answer to everything 'one elephant? Well they argued. One dove? One flew away. Salty bread? It's the sea.'
But the technical was in her favour as a season dumplinger, and she only bloody won!
Well-deserved too, with her skilled multi-tasking:
Gurl is looking stra-heessed.
Note to self: if you garnish - maybs make sure it's not limp?
The one thing you want when your chef is wearing a blue plaster? For them to spread butter hand.
His plait was a slight mess - lost the flavour, flat shape, too much alc, just not good.
Mr Chilled - he doesn't follow recipes, he thinks there's a type of burnt food that's fine, and he can freestyle a bake's story (that's actually disrespectful to the show and the bakers from whence came beforth you, but we'll move on).
Selasi's face of the week
Her signature collapsed, she was embarrassed to tears, and admitted it was a fall from grace. Slightly OTT loud about going, saying 'it's me... it's me' - when it clearly wasn't going to be her... but hey ho.
One of those people who sounds like he bores himself when he talks, he gave the dough a voice at one point and consoled it... the tent does crazy things to you man, you don't know, you weren't there.
Did very well in all the bakes, but revealed a massively geeky side when he was discussing the language in Thorworld like it was real...
Tom is star baker!
Michael is out!
I couldn't help but wonder (Carrie Bradshaw moment), Mel compared the bakers to thoroughbreds in a race, does this mean Michael's being shot and turned into glue? (Too much?)
Best of Mel and Sue
- 'They're on a roll, as are we'
- 'Smell the timer, that's my new game'
- 'Alright my arty Vincent van Doughs'
Innuendos of the week
- 'No one likes a small underfilled balls'
- A lot of talk of balls and pinching with the dampfnudel - they're just playing up to it now
- 'I've got a bit old split' Candice on her loaf
The ridiculous statement more fitting of a Scorsese film
'It will be what it will be' Benjamina, it will be a chocolate loaf
Just as we're done fantasising about Yorkshire puddings shown in next week, then you see Michelle Keegan frolicking about with a gorgeous soldier.
Yep that'll do it.
Bring on the juice diet.
Until next time...