What's a Mummy Worth?

20/05/2016 12:38 | Updated 20 May 2016

"What do you mean?" I hear you cry "A Mummy is a gift beyond imagination, a paragon, a saint!"

Yes quite. Sickening hallmark cards aside, what are we worth? Let's talk Cold. Hard. Cash.

Pregnancy. I literally made another human being. I kept them safe, snug and warm for 9 months (and three days - that's extra) I didn't even drink much!

So, 9 months physical work - feeling sick, having boob pain from hell, lugging around a lead-lined watermelon with a bladder-splatting penchant, what's that worth? It's definitely a 24 hour job, so let's say AT LEAST 2k per month.

And what about labour?! How much would you pay NOT to feel like you're trying to do a World Record Breaking poop with your bottom sewn shut? Quite a bit I reckon. I'd happily pay at least £500 minimum (I'm not rich)

And then there's those blissful early days of being woken up by a small squawking creature whose only aim in life is to gnaw on your poor abused boobs and do extremely violent things in their nappy. You can give me the £15 a week I could have spent on formula (times that by 9 months = (£540) And do you know how much a maternity nurse is? According to here, it's £18 per hour (at all hours) so let's have that for the first three months...right where's my calculator...ok, there are 2190 hours in three months, at £18ph...that's £39,420. Nice.

After that, a full time live-in Nanny is £410 per week - let's have that for the rest of the first year, that'll beeeee....£14,760.

So! How much have we earned just for that first year of being Mummy? According to my mercenary maths, at least £73, 220. Wow! We're rich! I didn't even include any of the heavy lifting.

Of course no amount of money compares to the endless love, cuddles and general happiness your babies bring you...but admit it, it would be nice wouldn't it? ;)