Last Friday on my morning commute, something happened to trigger my memory of a pop song that was released at the turn of this century. It's a pop song which I now consider to be one of the best ever made, and that song, which I'm sure will come as no surprise, is the former number-two banger Kids by Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue.
I couldn't pinpoint what it was that triggered my memory of a song I hadn't heard or spoken about for at least 15 years - perhaps it was the many kids on their way to a school trip I was attempting to avoid on the train platform that morning, perhaps it was the lady in my carriage wearing nothing but gold micro hot-pants - but whatever it was, I was reminded of it and this 15 year pop anthem drought was hitting me hard.
So hard was I hit, that upon my arrival to the office I went directly to YouTube and watched Kids nine times straight, questioning myself with every replay as to why I hadn't spent the last decade and a half dedicating my entire life to solely listening to this magnificently executed piece of pop perfection.
If you think I'm exaggerating, just keep in mind that this was a tune released on Grand Theft Auto V and was used as the theme tune to Junior Masterchef Australia. Yeah, exactly.
For all doubters, sceptics and people out there who think I've frankly lost it, allow me a few moments of your time to perform a small musical dissection and do my very best to convince you why my unwavering passion for Kids is fully justified.
Please note that this analysis is best read whilst playing Kids on a loop. You obviously won't regret it.
This is a tune that pulls no punches in its initial attempts to seduce you. A catchy beat kicks in and the subtle sounds of Kylie's sexually suggestive 'ahh's' can be faintly heard in the background. Good start.
The bridge builds and you know you're in for one treat of an epic chorus.
"(So come on) jump on board
Take a ride (yeah)
(You'll be doin' it all right)
Jump on board feel the high
'Cause the kids are alright"
Who are these kids they sing of?!
Who cares, you're busy bathing in the musical glory of what is frankly a mild aural orgasm, and besides, the kids are alright. No need to worry about them.
Chorus over, verse two takes the lead:
"You've got a reputation
Well I guess that can be explored
You're dancing with the chairman of the board
Take a ride in my twelve cylinder symphony
But if you got other plans
The purpose of a woman is to love her man"
Now as much as it pains me, I will say this - the song is somewhat flawed thanks to the final line of verse two which is sung by Kylie. Kylie! There's so much more to a woman than just loving her man! What about all the light dusting, cookie baking and kitten breeding we occupy our time with too? Not even that baffling chairman of the board lyric is enough to detract from this.
Minor flaw behind us, we can look forward to another repeat of the faultless bridge and chorus.
Rapping in a pop song is never an easy feat to pull off, but not one to shy away from, well, anything, Robbie Williams gives it his best shot and what we're treated to are a bunch of perfectly constructed lyrics such as:
"I'm an honorary Sean Connery, born '74
There's only one of me" and "I've been looking for serial monogamy
Not some bird that looks like Billy Connolly."
And to think Robbie was being completely overshadowed by Eminem at the time.
The song video ends on what I'd say was the cliffhanger of the year... and beyond.
Sat in a hot tub, Kylie and Robbie inch ever closer to each other. With their lips about to kiss, the camera cuts to a suggestively popping champagne bottle just before they touch, and we're left wondering DID THEY OR DIDN'T THEY? The perfect ending to a perfect song.
And that's why I think Kids is a little more than alright.
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