Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Scott Bryan

GET UPDATES FROM Scott Bryan
 

Face It - You Have A DOOMED TWITTER CRUSH

Posted: 16/07/2012 13:27

Oh I don't have a Twitter crush.

I don't even have Twitter. I don't believe in this claptrap at all *throws computer in bin to burn evidence*

And a crush? What me, an individual who only uses Twitter for professional purposes such as negotiating with others about synergy and innovation (so definitely not to look at funny shit or sexually provocative photos of Louis Tomlinson of One Direction in the shower)... having a doomed crush or sexual lust on another member of this shared technology? Poppycock.

You are lying. In fact I didn't tell you but I have wired you up to a lie detector test before you stumbled across this blog by accident, just so we can know for sure.

CLLCCRRRRKRKKKRKRKRRKR CKCCKRRKRRKRKRKRR CCCKRRKRKRKRKRKRKR CRRKRKRRKRKRKRKRKRRK CRRRKRRKRRRLRRKRKRKRKRRKRKRKR*

FACE IT. YOUR READINGS ARE GOING OFF THE CHART.

*readings have an accuracy of 99% under test conditions.

So how bad of a Twitter crush whore are you? Well I have calculated five different scientific levels that you may be in right now. Judge for yourself.

LEVEL ONE

  • Oh hello what is this? A quite a good looking person has started following MEEEEE...?

  • You then interact with said fittie. "ROFL ROFL ROFL" oh my he or she can also provide quite spot on conversational comedy within a very constrained word limit.

  • IS HE / SHE REALLY THAT ATTRACTIVE? *checks out their Twitter profile photo in a new tab*

  • Cheeky follow. You make it seem, oh so natural.

LEVEL TWO

  • After you have fallen in love with him / her because of their prose, you then spend the following three hours clicking on the 'Recent Images' and scrolling rapidly through every image until you find several ones of their THEIR FACE. You then try to work out whether the fittiness is forever or just at THAT angle.

  • You walk away contented of your new crush, but then 3 hours later you do EXACTLY THE SAME ALL OVER AGAIN.

  • At the same time you go go through their Twitter feed for any "I AM PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY BUT ACTUALLY I AM DYING OF LONELINESS" tweets, or hoping that there are no photos of them making pasta from scratch with their loved one on a Saturday afternoon 6 months back.

  • If details of his / her fittiness is rather vague, you will spend approximately the next three days scrolling through their blog, their Linkedin, their Facebook page, their abandoned MySpace page, their underage Bebo page, Google, Google+ *negative points if they are a frequent user*, The Metropolitan Police Sexual Predator List and of course Bing *LOLS JKS YOU WON'T EVER CHECK BING*

LEVEL THREE

  • Is your first thing you look at in the morning Twitter? DW it's like TOTES natural to do so. But is the first thing you look at is your Twitter crush, scrolling backwards through all of their tweets that they may have done in the previous seven hours just in case they spilled some late night emotional beans or had a FLIRTATIOUS CHAT WITH SOME SORT OF SEXUAL AND RELATIONSHIP COMPETITOR? Congratulations you are at Level 3.

  • In a fit of rage you look through that said 'sort of sexual and relationship competitor' trying to work out how far their friendship traces back, how long they frequently contact each other, whether that person is like a TOTAL SLUT etc.

  • You then try to inadvertently get involved with said 'slut' the next time they start chatting as a means to make it seem that you are sort of the BETTER SLUT. You get all their jokes about the Big Bang Theory (when you don't), you show you really care about how journalism is going down the toilet or the fact that 1p pennies are no longer as convenient currency. But then take so much time to think of a witty response during a conversation about how the HMRC helpline musak sounds like ducks farting, that when you finally respond you realise that your doomed crush is no longer tweeting. You subsequently DIE INSIDE.

  • If none of the following above apply, you just fantasise about them sending you a Direct Message saying "TOUCH MEEEEE".

LEVEL FOUR

I AM HIDING IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE

LEVEL FIVE

  • You write a blog post about how funny it is that we all have doomed Twitter crushes.
 

Follow Scott Bryan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/scottygb

FOLLOW UK COMEDY