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Scott Capurro

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If Romney Wins, I'm Satan, If Obama Wins, I'm Modern

Posted: 07/11/2012 00:00

I'm an American citizen living in London, and I considered ignoring my absentee ballot for the US Presidency race because I'm married to a Brazilian man. No matter who wins the presidential election today, my husband won't be able to meet my family in California.

Gay marriage is illegal there. A civil union is acceptable, but that's just two signatures in a book and some handholding. It carries no legal status in the Federal government. With Mormon political leaders using their poorly edited Christian text as a weapon, my desire to spend my life with my male partner is seen as evil, whilst more liberal politicians, namely Obama, have evolved into acceptance. If Romney wins, I'm Satan. If Obama wins, I'm modern. Whilst here in London, I'm merely a tax-paying spouse in Hackney.

Why are many Americans still burning witches whilst even the conservatives in Britain have bent over in every direction to accommodate my gay needs? Are the British an older culture, so more sophisticated, assuming wisdom comes with age? Or have gay rights activists here been less emotional and more effective than in the US? Or perhaps most British men of power had their greatest love affairs whilst away at Eaton, et al, and so they understand the value of same sex coupling?

Frankly, the answer is probably amusing, potentially pornographic, but ultimately un-important. What concerns me is the humiliation my husband suffered when being turned down for his tourist visa at the American Embassy in London. The interview lasted less than 60 seconds.
My man: "I want to visit my husband's hometown of San Francisco."

Balding fat homophobic interviewer: "He's your husband? Well you're not going to America. Next!" Elections come and go, Presidents smile and change color, but gay humbling thrives under the huge golden eagle in Grosvener Square.

However this year I voted for Obama. My husband is black, and I'm assuming they know each other. Actually my husband is so black, he's purple. He has green eyes, and dyed a streak of red into his hair. It's like getting bummed by a rainbow. I'm watching him run about the flat in his white pants right now, wondering how anyone could be unaccommodating to this lovely, charming man who speaks four languages and yes, If he could, he'd campaign for Obama. Or at the very least prepare him a very tasty lunch.

I voted for Obama because he seems like a prudent choice, because the economy in the US is still poor, and black men work for less. But he's disappointed, like every other politician. He said he'd pull out of the Middle East, but men say they're gonna pull out all the time. They lie, and that's how Alabama stays populated.

I voted for Obama, even though he's ordered the illegal bombing of Pakistan, and the hippies in California don't say a word. Where is the hairy lesbian with a rifle rushing City Hall in San Francisco, demanding to know why women and children are dying there because of American drones dropping bombs made in South Korea? War isn't just Hell, it's complicated and in this uncompromising age, time consuming!

I voted for Obama because my mother died without health insurance. Several bills remain stuffed in a manila envelope on my sister's desk. Someone has to pay them. I'll call Mitt. Do Mormons have cell phones? Well I know they have a few bucks, now that Mitt's adds are done running. Oh that's right, if he wins, 47 percent of Americans have to learn to fend for themselves. Maybe my dying mother could've learned to make things out of sticks and clay and sold them on the street corner, using her last breaths to beg for coins.

Maybe Mitt can take time out of his busy prayer breakfasts and come witness what middle class poverty, and a swampy New Jersey coastline, smells like. I guess Mitt prefers to be on his knees, swallowing pork and hoping for a miracle.

I voted for Obama because I want to sleep. What keeps me up at night is the anger I feel because my husband can't meet the row of alcoholics and pill poppers that make up my lineage. If only he could witness, in person, what a paranoid, trembling mess my remaining family of underpaid, suffering Americans are, he might realize how well I've turned out!

 
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I'm an American citizen living in London, and I considered ignoring my absentee ballot for the US Presidency race because I'm married to a Brazilian man. No matter who wins the presidential election t...
I'm an American citizen living in London, and I considered ignoring my absentee ballot for the US Presidency race because I'm married to a Brazilian man. No matter who wins the presidential election t...
 
 
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12:10 AM on 11/13/2012
"However this year I voted for Obama. My husband is black, and I'm assuming they know each other." Hahaha awesome! Thank you! I needed a good laugh today!!
12:47 AM on 11/08/2012
You can come to Maryland. We just passed by ballot your right to marry. But careful where you travel - my rural county is fuming that Mitt lost. They'd slap a PG sticker on reality if they could.
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paul679
12:07 AM on 11/08/2012
Actually, Scott, you voted for Obama because you have a brain in your head. Those Americans that voted for Romney see only dollar signs, faint in front of evangelicals or go to tea parties: but not to drink the old nectar.

Stay in this country and keep Matthew Wright twitching nervously more often.
11:24 PM on 11/07/2012
So Obama won. I'm glad that my vote was the right one, because I'm controling.
But what is Obama's social message? He's evolved on the concept of gay marriage, but he's not pulled a Bobby Kennedy. Where's the queer folks' hero who'll just sign gay marriage into law? Why are my basic rights put up for a vote? Any debate over my civil right to marry is unconstitutional and thus should not include input from religious pundits, or discussions amongst camp politicians on Sunday morning political shows, as much as I adore Paul Ryan's work out photos and Michelle Bachman's overabundance of teeth.
Look, either this is a Constituational Democracy or it ain't. Either we're all the same, Obama, like you just said last night, when you accepted your victory, or YOU'RE married and I'M a servant. Which is it? DO THE RIGHT THING DUDE, before my father drops dead without ever being annoyed by my husband. Every time my Dad says 'husband', in regard to my guy, he smiles, menacingly. Like I'll never win this battle. Let's stop fighting, the Republicans are weakened, it's time to pounce for justice
08:22 PM on 11/07/2012
Do more Wright Stuff, Matthew needs scaring more often!
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Peggy Kendrick
Edited micro-bio. Happy now!?
02:07 PM on 11/07/2012
It's truly shameful your husband was turned down. I would have said, "Sure, come on in. Committed relationships are what we're all about in America!" but that's probably why I don't get to make those decisions. It kind of puts into perspective why my English husband would find it difficult going to America. He's 6'4" and coach would be painful with his knees touching his chin for 8 hours. (I'm not even sure he'd go if we could afford first class because I come from the very red state of Georgia.) I hope the next 4 years sees such a profound change to laws in America that you and he will be there soon, participating in interventions with your family members and showing him that you were even more of a great catch than he originally thought.
12:05 PM on 11/07/2012
Green eyed purple black husband with red streaked hair? You've been beamed up Scotty. Good luck to you and yours.
12:29 AM on 11/07/2012
Excellent. Very funny. It's 'Eton' though, not 'Eaton'.
11:13 PM on 11/06/2012
VOTE!!! ITS NOT TOO LATE!! GET THERE!!!
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cre8ive
Leave the herd. Be heard.
10:11 PM on 11/06/2012
Good stuff!
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429freckles
Ex Republican Now Devoted Democrat
07:49 PM on 11/06/2012
Thanks for voting for Obama. I'm voting for him too.

Your story seemed kind of sad ~~ don't be. Be happy with the spouse you love. Enjoy life, it's too short to do otherwise.
thebigbike
ran away to be a cowboy
06:41 PM on 11/06/2012
why is this in the "Comedy" section? Tain't funny McGee!
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Osmona
Its GREAT to be alive and SANE.
05:51 PM on 11/06/2012
Thank you. I'm on my way NOW to cast my vote for President Obama.
thebigbike
ran away to be a cowboy
06:33 PM on 11/06/2012
Voted by mail early, for Obama
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halis
05:37 PM on 11/06/2012
Love it ;-)