THE BLOG

Bipolar Day Is Everyday

03/07/2015 11:52 BST | Updated 02/07/2016 10:59 BST

It affects my everyday and everyone around me but drives me and my life is based around mental health and it's made me realise who I am because of the condition in question and because I am just me anyway!

At times I don't wish to go out. Please leave me to it. I appreciate your help and now I probably need it but I prefer to decline it. It's not your fault but depression doesn't allow me to go out, it doesn't want me to be myself and it robs me of being sociable and takes away myself belief. When well I know who I am and I 'found myself' a few years ago but now and again I doubt the person who lives.

Sometimes I don't succeed. I don't see the point in trying as I seem to be getting nowhere, but I have to keep going or I have wasted my time in getting to where I need to be. I don't know exactly where I am going but I am on my way.

I am trying, you may not think so but I am. I honestly can't help nor control this and I'm sorry. Don't shout at me when I ignore you ringing me. I swear it's not you I just I don't feel like I can take your words ringing in my ears. I can't concentrate; I'll forget what you said anyway.

No matter how much one tries the only person that has helped me is I, because only I can pick myself up if I am at rock bottom, but I am here for you if you need me.

I am probably more highly strung than your average person if agitated (maybe you are too, it doesn't make me a 'psycho' because of this label I carry around with me) so don't expect a polite response if you instigate a rant with me. I won't violate you, nor lash out and attack, that just isn't me. I said I don't mean it. I can't control this. I am down to earth really. I may have Cognitive Behaviour Therapy one day, time will tell.

Right now I don't feel me. I hope it won't be long before that changes and longer than I foresee it to. If I answer the door don't expect me to look bright eyed let alone even dressed, having washed my hair or done the housework. I keep everything clean but it maybe untidy. I don't mean to drag you down with me. I am not lazy, but I wouldn't change who I am.

I don't think of myself as a sufferer. This not something that I can exit from my life. I have to deal with it. Do you realise how hard this is? No, I thought not. You maybe relating to some of this. I accept who I am and I hope you can too. I struggle at times. It won't always be this way. Listen to me please. I'll return the favour to you if you ever need me.

Without life experience it I may as well be someone else with different DNA born to different parents. But I am not a different person.

My thoughts consume me. They try to condition who I am in my personality and they control my every move daily when I'm like this. My identification feels like it is that of someone else.

I am trying to come back up to earth. I will be in remission soon (I prefer that 'R' word instead of recovery) I am retaliating against these feelings to the best of my ability. I am trying hard right now. Bear with me please.

Thank you.