THE BLOG

Bipolar I Can't 'Keep Calm & Carry On'

30/07/2015 18:28 BST | Updated 29/07/2016 10:59 BST

Firstly just let me set the record straight. I am NOT a Jekyll and Hyde character. It's not in my nature but sometimes bipolar disorder makes me present that way to people because that is what it does to me. This is not me as a person, this is bipolar.

I get annoyed, I get angry. Don't we all? I am usually a very approachable and sociable character but when I feel this way I am not presenting as the usual me. It's bipolar day. Again. It's a Sharon thing. I am either up or down.

Imagine a nuclear bomb waiting to go off or an accident waiting to happen, well that's me when I am angry. When my anger soars it's through sheer frustration. I fell like nobody listens to me and that nobody understands me and that nobody will even resonate with me and most definitely not relate to me when I try to express myself. I feel like they eventually just agree with me to shut me up even though I know they disagree. I feel like I am being patronised or treated like a child. I further feel like people laugh at and not with me. I prefer just to agree to disagree. Why can't people just do that? Wouldn't it be much easier?

I can't explain how I feel which therefore adds to my frustration and in turn builds my anger. I hate it. I have a short fuse in the respect that I am highly strung. I can't explain why I get so angry. If only I could! This certainly doesn't make me abnormal. We are all different. It would be a boring world if we were all the same. It doesn't mean to say that I am nasty piece of work.

Bipolar makes me hate you, dislike you and it even makes me think that I momentarily never want to speak to you again. I don't hate you really. I don't know why I am like this but I am at times irritable and agitated. I want to remove how I feel from my body, but I can't. This makes it all the more worse as I have no control over the way I feel. I try to 'keep calm and carry on' but I can't. I can't help being this way.

People say in a roundabout way "If only I could feel a tiny bit of what you do when hypo manic then that would be great!"... They have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Would you want to feel like I do now? No, I thought not, but the up's and down's come hand in hand with each other. I don't hate you, but I feel like I do when I feel this angry, but not when I don't. It's sometimes like a light switch that doesn't go off, like it's constantly on.

I want to scream but I at times choose to shout instead or maybe I will go and write or paint abstract to keep my cool. I don't and won't lash out.

I love hypo mania even if some people don't, but what I don't love is this depression which seems like the Black Hole of Calcutta.

I don't hate you; I just hate feeling like this.