Today is our anniversary, eight wonderful years married and 14 years together. I am proud of those years, not because it's a long time (because there are marriages and relationships into 50, 60 years), but because I am proud that we are as happy now as we were then. The years have flown - it feels like only a few months. I feel like that's an achievement, we work hard at our marriage.
Our life would be perfect, except for one cloud.
I can't give you children.
This is the only black cloud in an otherwise blue sky. I wanted to say how sorry I am about that. You are always so wonderful about it - if it is just us two you are happy with that. But it makes me so sad to think you might never be a father.
Our own fathers left us, we share that too. We were raised by amazing women. You were taught to love and respect the women in your life and would do anything for us, I am sure of this. Just as I would do anything for you and I wish that I could do this one thing.
I know you would make an amazing dad - I am not sure you believe this. It is true. You only have to look at the children around you and how they adore spending time with you... and your motorbikes!
I often imagine what it would be like to watch you with our children, playing football, Nerf Gun fights, camp outs in the back garden, sleepy Sundays, sneaky rides out on your motorbikes without mummy knowing. I am certain s/he would be a daddy's boy/girl. I would act like it wasn't ok but I would love it really. My little family.
I know you worry about how it would change us, but I think we would be fine. Tired? sure. Grouchy?..... probably. Happy? I am certain of this because we make a good team. The one thing that all this time has given us is a clear idea of how we would raise our kids making sure we are on the same page. And oh, how they would be loved by both of us.
I am so sorry that I am the reason you might not get to experience fatherhood. I wish I could change what we have been through. I wish that I could change what I have and we could have had a normal progression from two to three. I can't.
I am sorry you have had to go through losing our babies helplessly, uncertain of what to do to make it better while dealing with your own sadness. You did great, all I ever needed was your arms to hold me, to make me stronger.
If all we ever are, is two plus fur babies, I want you to know that's ok. Because what we have is everything. I am grateful for that. I am happy to travel the world with you, have lazy mornings and late nights. Dance parties in our car to old school rap and hip-hop, acting like we are cool and failing miserably. To just stand still a while and appreciate what we do have - each other.
Happy anniversary, can't wait to see what the years ahead of us bring.
Originally posted on www.thechildlessmother.blogSuggest a correction