Mother's Day is approaching, with it usually comes a familiar feeling of apprehension and dread.
For weeks before this one day, little reminders pop up more and more frequently. Slowly the shelves in the supermarkets start to fill with chocolates and gifts, to the constant flow of e-mails reminding you to cherish the mothers in your life and buy the products they suggest.
It's a bittersweet sort of day for me, of course I want to celebrate my wonderful mother and mother in law who both deserve to be treated on this special day. At the same time, I fight the urge to take to my bed turning off all forms of social media and clutching a bottle of vodka in the hopes I will simply sleep the day away. Bit dramatic?
Sadly, with the many, many ways in which companies can contact you now, there is no escaping the day! I certainly don't feel the day should be cancelled because mums should absolutely be celebrated. It's up to me to find a way to get through it!
It can be a distressing day for a lot of people for many reasons, not just those of us struggling to have a family. The day is often spent trying to hold back tears, with a lump in my throat the size of a tennis ball. A lump so bad I often have pain from holding it together. Feeling like the grief will consume me whole. By the end of the day I would be left feeling exhausted.
Deleting the day from my calendar and staying in bed is appealing, but it isn't real life. I am finally at a point now that I can face these days with at least some kind of composure. Processing the grief of losing my babies and accepting that we would not have children has been a slow and heart-breaking process. To get here I have had to let go of a whole other life I thought I would have.
I started to focus on the things I did have in my life. The things we can do. It's so easy to let the anger and bitterness take over, to have irrational thoughts about complete strangers. I was becoming someone I didn't recognise! I tried instead to find something positive to say in my head instead of the instant judgement coming from my grief.
So the "OH my goodness, look at that woman sat on her phone ignoring her child, while her child is rolling around on the floor!"
I change that completely unfair thought to "Wow I love her handbag...her kid is currently emptying out on the floor"
In reality the poor mum has probably had no time to catch up with her friends or Facebook all day and using a rare quiet half hour to do so, normally that's what I would be thinking but angry irrational Sharron was CRAY-CRAY..... who did a lot of tutting and eye rolling and didn't have great control over her thoughts!
Now the rage seems to be subsiding and my judgy little meltdowns are far less frequent, I am hoping that this year I will get to enjoy Mother's Day again. I will of course be thinking about my angel babies, I will buy myself a bunch of flowers as sad as that may seem. I will kiss and cuddle my fur babies and be grateful for what I have been blessed with.
For anyone out there struggling like I did so many times, I hope that you have support and love to get you through the day. Know that this childless mother will be thinking of you all.Suggest a correction