The passing of time is something none of us can control. It's become my enemy over the last few years. Starting with us trying for children and then moving to heartbreak when we lost my cousin to cancer in 2016. Time moving forward caused pain, it's frustrating and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.
Grief is a weird experience. True gut wrenching, not knowing how you are still breathing grief, I have only experienced once. For two reasons.
I loved my little cousin like a brother, our family adored him. When he was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer it felt like I was watching something happen on a TV programme. Like I was removed from it. We never believed we would actually lose him. How could we? We waited for treatment. We waited while he endured gruelling chemo. We waited for remission. We waited for news when it came back and worst of all we waited at his side when he took his last breath.
I read somewhere a meme that said
"I didn't die with you that night, but a part of me left with you".
It best sums up for me how it felt. I wasn't the same person, none of us were and we have managed the best we can. Nothing is the same. So now we wait for breathing and moving forward to not hurt so much. We wait for the mythical time to heal our wounds.
During the time he was undergoing treatment I found out we were pregnant. It was a wonderful, terrifying and guilty moment. How could this be happening now?!? The happiness was short lived, we lost our baby. It happened quickly but again we endured more waiting while nature took its course. Mother Nature is a cruel bitch.
How could I process the loss of another baby? I couldn't hold it together and for the first time I fell to pieces. I felt every loss in the previous years that I had packed neatly away in a box in the back of my mind.
I waited for the pain to pass. When we lost my cousin a few months later I thought the grief would bury me. My already Swiss cheese heart was shattered. My grief screamed silently day after day. There are no words of comfort or words to articulate that feeling.
I am still waiting for that pain to pass. I have again learned to live with it, but that grief screams on silently all day everyday.
I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. Each month that passes, when my monthly arrives there is still a brief moment where I wonder what if. What if this is the month.
When we were in the thick of trying, we waited a lot. We waited for the ovulation peaks, the doctors' appointments and tests or worse, the two week wait so that we could do a pregnancy test, meanwhile watching out for symptoms like a crazy woman.
I haven't done that in a while. The more hope disappeared, so did the crazy urge to symptom watch.
Since losing some weight it has messed with my cycle. Last month was less days, this month it would appear it's going to be late. I know logically that I am not pregnant. I know this. But guess which crazy lady is back?!?! That would be me!!
Every month used to go the same. It would start with the disappointment of another failed cycle. Push through that to get to optimism of a new month, symptom watching continues for ovulation, not to mention the tests to see if you actually get a peak this month. Peak arrives and you have scheduled sex, a lot of scheduled sex!! No pressure!!
Then follows the dreaded two week wait. This is a fun moment where your logical sensible brain says:
"You can not be getting symptoms crazy lady!!"
But my whakado voice says:
"Did your breast just hurt??? Are you peeing more?? I'm sure that stabbing pain feels like implantation??!!"
This would be followed by thousands of Google searches on early symptoms of pregnancy, even though in reality I could probably write the pages myself!
Then there is the final stage.... when she arrives. I could be found sat on our toilet at home or at work ..... or randomly in a shopping centre toilet even once. Silent tears falling into my lap. Another month gone. Another month no baby. Another month of waiting.
I had to stop the crazy for my sanity. I had managed to do this after the grief of losing my cousin put things into perspective. There had to be more to life than this.
Since losing the weight it's becoming more possible that we might be able to have further treatment and I think that has woken the beast. Today I am officially due for her to arrive. I have already talked myself out of buying yet another test that would undoubtedly be negative. I can not look at another negative test!!
I know that she's on her way, but my oh my have I watched for those symptoms today. I am trying to brace myself for the inevitable disappointment. You would think after nearly 13 years I would be better at this, but the truth is the dream is still so deeply seeded inside me that it hurts. I think it always will be. No matter if we manage to get our baby or not. Nothing will take the grief or loss away for the babies we have lost.
13 years seems like a long time to have to wait, I wish I could stop. I guess until that time comes I take comfort from our little community on my pages, to know that we are not alone.
So when she does show her face again. I will dust myself off and try again. I won't give up hope, not just yet.