Fans of How I Met Your Mother might be familiar with Barney's Bro Code. Here in this post I have created my very own Mum Code, a list of the sorts of comments other mothers should really never to say to a fellow mum. Or face the wrath and subsequent flicks.
1) "It's so easy"
Just stop right there. Even if you happen to have some oddly perfect child who sleeps 20 hours a day and never cries, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT.
2) "Breast really is best"
So many mothers struggle to breast feed, some simply choose not to and hey guess what, that's ok too. Even if you don't agree with a mother's preferred feeding method, just shut up and say it in your head instead. No one likes a smug judgey mum.
3) "Oh is he/she not doing that [insert here common milestone] yet? Don't worry"
Yes I'm sure your child has been walking since four months old. Well done. Don't brag though, guaranteed your child will be the one having some melt down in a public place and you will feel a fool for ever having bragged about a single thing. And I will be laughing in the corner into my iced mocha frappucino.
4) "Remember to sleep when they do"
This always makes me laugh. Yes fine if you're Beyonce and you have a maid on hand to handle that giant stink bomb bunker of washing growing green stuff in the corner oh and wash up the festering cups of tea in the sink or even wash yourself.
5) "Shall I give it a try?"
Under no circumstances should a mother offer to comfort another mother's child when they're trying desperately to calm them. This actually happened to me. The presence of children prevented me from ripping her face off.
6) "No I wouldn't use a dummy, I'd rather parent him properly".
Yes this happened. Yes the same woman as above. She should probably just enter the witness protection scheme.
7) "I could never let someone else raise my children"
Oh what's better than breast feeding guilt? Working mummy guilt. The very idea that I CHOOSE to have grandparents and nursery care for my child in the week is really quite baffling.
8) "So when's the next one?"
Strangers and annoying co-workers can just about get away with asking this question, just. But for another mum to ask another? C'mon, we all know this is a minefield question none of us like answering, you just don't ask another mother!
So that's it, my code of things for mothers never to say to one another and therefore prevent flicks to the face.
You have been warned.