A few months ago we were obsessed with Kate Middleton's uterus. I actually heard someone describe the pre-birth months referred to as 'The People's Pregnancy'. That actually happened. No, we don't OWN her body, what is in it or comes out of it.
Now the world appears to have unattached the general gaze from her Royal reproductive system and is, once again, obsessed with Jennifer Aniston's baby making status.
Jennifer's on a promotional road trip at the moment promoting her brilliant new comedy, We're The Millers. She is also in a stable relationship with her fiancé Justin Theroux. On a few occasions she has been photographed with her hand on her general under-boob-kind-of-top-of-stomach-or-maybe-the-stomach-itself region. That's not a medical term for it by the way.
For some reason this means we can ask her about what's going on with her vagina and Justin's penis and all the sperm and eggs that they generate. What ARE they planning to do with those? WE MUST know apparently! Jennifer has been being very tolerant, again, but the whole babies question has been getting on her nerves, understandably. She said during a recent interview in Australia that if and/or when/if ever she and her other half have an announcement to make, it'd be nice if they could announce it rather than having someone steal it as a scoop. I think that's fair.
As much as I'm sure we'd all like to know, ultimately, it's none of our business. When we get down the nitty-gritty, and if we're really honest with ourselves, we're just being nosey... even if we're being well-meaning. Jennifer's a lovely woman, I'm sure she'd make a great mum but... it's also, ultimately, still none of our damn business. I've asked her the question myself in the past and been amazed that she didn't just tell me to shove my question right up my arse. She would more than entitled to.
But Jennifer is 44-years-old! That clock MUST be ticking and that timer on the baby bomb could go off! THIS IS UTER- AGEDDON! EVERYONE PANIC!
So here's the thing.
I've hit an age where I constantly get asked if my wife and I are going to have children. Friends ask us about it and we're okay with talking about it because they are in our circle - I imagine Jen's inner circle have that privilege too. It's the same with my GP when he asks, he's in the circle - I expect the same is with her OBGYN.
Recently, people I have been coming across more and more people, people that I don't really know, who think it is perfectly okay to ask me if I have kids, then tell me that it's 'Okay' that I don't... and then ask how my wife feels about that and what our plans are. I'll break this down.
Firstly, I don't mind about being asked if I have kids or not, totally no biggie. It's like being asked if you like cheese. Not at all intrusive.
Secondly, I know that it is 'Okay' not to have kids. I don't need anyone to tell me that you condescending arse ... but I'm glad you find that what my wife and I do with our genitals is acceptable to you and gets your seal of approval even if it doesn't result in a life. And no, our dog is not a substitute for a child. Someone, not too long ago, asked me if I still could. YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE STATUS OF MY SPERM?!
Thirdly, my wife and I talk. We revisit the subject just in case we do want to rethink. We haven't made independent decisions that we've failed to inform the other of. So yes, she's okay with it. Thank you for checking that maybe I was laying down the law and denying her the right to have kids like some kind of gyno-tyrant.
But maybe if it's okay for people to ask me then maybe I should ask them back?
Them: "Do you have children?"
Me: "No, no we don't."
Them: "Oh... that's okay... Are you planning to?"
Me: "I know it is... and no."
Them: "How does your wife feel about that?"
Me: "Haven't asked her. I am denying her my genitals and all their contents."
Me: "You heard me. I'm a dick-tator. So... will you having sexual intercourse in the near future? Maybe to have a child or just for fun? It's okay if you are."
Me: "Oh I am sorry... I thought we were entitled to discuss each other's sexual activity because, ya know... your getting busy-ness is my business."
So what I'm saying is... Women, when people ask you if you're going to have kids - whether you're a celebrity or not - and it really grinds your gears... I get it. It happens to guys too. It is equally annoying. People, I think, mean well but still... we know our clocks are ticking.
Thankfully, unlike Jennifer, every time my wife leaves the house there won't be people staring at her stomach in the street or on the tube wondering if sometime in the last few months we combined nature's flour, eggs and milk to start a family. If she's bloated one morning or looks like she is 'glowing' or she touches her stomach at least her picture won't end on a morning chat show to be mulled over, or as a story on a showbiz website or as a front page splash on a magazine at a supermarket checkout wondering if it was as a the result of sex or IVF or if it could be twins... or maybe someone mocking up a photo of what the baby might look like.
My wife and I love kids, we love our nephews, our Goddaughter, our friend's kids... having our own is a totally different thing and it is our decision and our business and we have our reasons.
So, Jennifer Aniston - have kids, don't have kids, your choice... with YOUR being the key word. It's totally up to you - and also Justin. I'm sure you know this already. But maybe next time someone asks you, try my response.
But then they'd call you moody and probably say it could be down to your hormones being out of whack because... MAYBE SHE'S PREGNANT! OMG!
By the way, Jennifer's new movie is We're The Millers. It hits UK cinemas on 23 August and is very, very, VERY funny.
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