Dear Katie Hopkins,
How are you, love? I imagine it must be a difficult day for you considering there are no terrorist attacks for you to exploit in order to push your agenda. I understand. I get cranky on Wednesdays when EastEnders isn't on for me to tweet about. Life is tough when our favourite self-promotional tools aren't available.
Still, you've managed to milk the London Bridge attack for all its worth. I saw you on Fox News talking a load of rubbish about British Muslims. You went and slagged off London Mayor Sadiq Khan (or Sadiq "Kahnt," as you so proudly and smugly called him) saying "London Bridge fell down on his watch" - apparently missing the fact that the bridge is, in fact, still standing and that the woman you kind of praised - Prime Minister Theresa May - was also standing watch when the attack occurred. But facts have never mattered much to you. Just ask Jack Monroe.
Anyway, I digress. You also said you wanted to round up 3,000 people on the watch list and to deport some British Muslims. Then you called for internment camps. Never mind the fact that none of these people have been convicted of a crime and that conviction without trial hasn't been in vogue since 1215. But that won't stop you, Katie Hopkins, from calling for a solution - a final one, even - to Britain's pesky Muslim problem.
I suppose it's harder for you to say this stuff in Britain now that LBC has sacked you and nobody of any importance reads the Daily Mail. So, I have an offer to make you. You seem to hate Britain, a country I desperately love. I don't really like Trump's America, which you seem more infatuated with than David Walliams is with Simon Cowell. Of course, I think the David/Simon flirtation is all for show. I used to think that about your gobby shenanigans, but as time and your career prospects slip away, I'm not so sure.
So - here's the deal: let's swap passports.
Before you say no, hear me out. You would fit in perfectly in Trump's America. You even promised to move here if he was elected, so you and I both know this is what you want.
Just think - here, with America's First Amendment, you could say what you want without fear of a pesky libel lawsuit (that is, until Trump changes those laws to better enable him to sue his critics). Fox News is clearly keen on you, and since Bill O'Reilly has been sacked I think you'll fit perfectly there amongst the bigots and peddlers of fake news. (I mean, after your hair grows back, of course. Fox News doesn't hire any woman who doesn't have at least twelve inches of blonde trusses and a penchant for white supremacy. I'm confident you can tick both those boxes though.)
By leaving Britain, you can avoid the no-go places, which considering how reviled you've become I imagine is most of the country. You could live in a country that has actually had internment camps and rounded up Muslims in a detention centre - one that isn't even on American soil! "Katie Hopkins reports live from Guantanamo" would break Fox News records. You could even waterboard a Muslim kid, probably. Alabama would eat that shit up.
From there, you can team up with Milo for a "Dangerous Fag and his Horrible Hag" tour, going around to American colleges and reminding the whinging snowflakes that no, they can't have a reasonable expectation of not hearing racial slurs in public discourse. Who do they think they are, anyway? White people?
In exchange for granting you American residency, I will be allowed to move to Britain. Now I know what you're thinking - the last thing the UK needs is another wussy metropolitan liberal who won't stand up to the Muslim scourge. But because you and your family are safely ensconced in Trumpland, it's really of no concern to you.
In the meantime, I will get to work writing about British politics, which is my passion, whilst living in my beloved Walthamstow and volunteering with youth to improve their lot in life. See, I believe that gangs and terrorists are often born the same way - through marginalisation and a lack of prospects and hope. You call me naïve; I call me optimistic. I'll hang out with my Muslim friends (and other friends, too!) at night and live-tweet X Factor and grab a kebab after a night down the pub.
I'll live in a country that embraces multiculturalism and realises that the sins of a few don't indict the many, that we only ever seem to paint with such a broad brush when it comes to Black and brown people, and that no one ever asked you why you didn't do anything to prevent Jo Cox's murder. Or the bombing at the Admiral Duncan. Or Dunblane. If they did, you would probably say it has nothing to do with you, anyway.
Funny how that works, innit?
Anyway, I'll become a productive member of a society that values inclusion, solidarity, and just getting on with it. One that wasn't cowed by the IRA, by Oswald Mosley, or by the Luftwaffe. One that doesn't react with histrionics, paranoia, and vitriol every time tragedy strikes. One that understands that yes, something must be done to stop this, but encroaching upon its most cherished values - democracy, habeas corpus, due process, liberty - isn't it. I'll learn to love tea, even, if I must.
And you can live in a country politically dominated by a minority of white voters who hate immigrants, Muslims, science, and secularism. You can live in a country that allows you to spout your venom without fear of repercussion and that will, in fact, pay you handsomely to do it. You can live in a country where actual Nazi-sympathisers work in the White House. You'll love it.
So you put in a word with the Home Office and I'll put in a word with the State Department. We'll get the paperwork sorted, and we'll make the swap. I propose we meet somewhere neutral, like Antarctica. It's a completely white landscape, so I know you'll enjoy the visit. I'll board a ship to London, you can jump on a boat to New York, and we'll go our separate ways.
America will love you. Britain will thank you.
Have a think. You'll find it's the best for both of us.