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Six Reasons Why Women Should Stop Faking Orgasms

13/01/2014 13:14 GMT | Updated 14/03/2014 09:59 GMT

Let's face it, faking orgasms during an act of consensual sex is so 1955. It is possibly one of the worst things us women can do to each other. It needs to stop and it needs to stop now. Why, you ask? Well, here are six reasons:

1. What if you get caught?

When you fake, you fake it good. You make the perfect pornface. You bite your lip, you close your eyes and let one pearl of sweat roll down your forehead. You make the perfect pornsounds. A tiny moan, like a puppy getting adorably kicked in its face. And it looks and sounds great. He loves it. Then imagine if you manage to get an actual orgasm. Your eyes roll to the back of your head, your mouth opens wide, your whole face and body goes into a fullblown seizure as you make a sound similar to a large lady-bull in labour. He will jump off, call an ambulance and you'll be the first woman ever to be admitted to the hospital diagnosed with 'Fake Orgamustitus'. You'll make the front page. It will be embarrassing. Don't.

2. Do it for us.

If you do not want to stop for your own sake, stop for ours. Us. The other women. The women who have to endure something close to an hour underneath a sweaty guy who now has a worried facial expression. He is thinking: "Why isn't this one coming? The other woman did when I did this move over and over again. The good ol' in and out always works. It's a classic. There's something wrong with this lady. There must be. For I am King Sex God Sex Saviour." and we have to be the ones to break his heart. It's hard. 80% of women cannot get a vaginal orgasm. It's hard to learn and it's okay. So stop faking.

3. Learn to communicate.

You might learn something too. If you open up and say "Actually, that lump of skin isn't actually a part of my vagina!" he might reciprocate, "Really? Thank you for letting me know. Now we're talking, I prefer it if you didn't call me 'auntie' during sex, as it brings back bad memories."

4. He doesn't need it.

Let's go through the day of the male. He comes home after a hard day at work, where he got paid 19% more than you, after a walk through a dark park where he had no reason to be scared of getting raped, and no reason to have keys in sticking out between his fingers like PMS-Wolverine and no one has screamed "whorebitch!" at him from a moving vehicle. He comes home to a house that has been cleaned and taken care of because - what else could you have done? Read a book? Ha! I'd laugh if I wasn't a woman without a sense of humour. The man comes home - he might actually need a challenge for once. What else will he think? That he runs the world? Ha ha ha... Oh.

5. Ehm, because it's an orgasm?

Because it's a glorious feeling? You're with the man you really like and you're touching a real-life penis. Why even try to rob yourself from that gift? It's hard, I know, but have you seen a man having sex? Looks pretty hard too, but he is doing it. Work for it! Work hard. Like a man.

6. Don't lie to someone who's naked in front of you.

Sex is the most vulnerable and beautiful thing in the world. Don't ruin it with lies. Lies for for people with clothes on. "Thanks grandma, I've always wanted an orange turtleneck sweater with a picture of your dead cat on it. Yes, I see, it's dead on the picture as well. You didn't just use a picture of it while it was alive. Thank you. I love it." When you're naked, you're as honest as you can be, so don't lie to his face - or penis. Lying is what you do up until you have sex, in order to get the sex. As soon as you're naked, you take off the mask. (Unless he's into that)