Your life is so close to being perfect. If only things would stop annoying you. Fortunately, you do not have to look much further. Here are four easy fixes of everyday niggles, so you can live carefree. You're welcome.
Tights, just tights
Tights are easily one of the most annoying pieces of clothing. They will either roll off your stomach, slide down from in between your thighs or latch themselves into places no man has been since the winter of 2009. It makes you wonder why the feminists in the 60s chose to burn their bras and not their tights. Tights is only the answer if the question is coming from a man and the question is "Why do you want to take a cab? Why not just walk?"
You grab his face and hiss, "Tights. Because of tights. You don't know what it's like. You weren't there, man." and then you hail a cab. You look down and you notice there is a run in your tights. You kill your boyfriend.
Solution: Buy a bucket of black paint and a brush. Paint your tights on. This way they will last for days and never slide off. The dedicated tights-wearer will think ahead and call a tattooist. Get it done. Easy.
People walking too slowly right in front of you
You tell yourself: Deep breaths, Betsy. Deep breaths. As you are taking slow baby steps to not walk headfirst into the group of tourists walking in front of you on the crowded street. Whenever you attempt to walk around them from the left, they take a step left. If you try to go right, they go right. You clench your fists and pray that they suddenly fall through a trapdoor and, like in a cartoon, land on a giant mousetrap. That way you can walk freely and in your own pace through your city.
Solution: Get up behind them. Get close. Lean in. Whisper into one's ear, "That's it. I just looove slow walkers. It really gets me going." and observe as they will pick up their pace and you can have the sidewalk to yourself. Violá.
Friends who are ALWAYS late
We all have that one friend. The friend who is always late. You find yourself at yet another restaurant being stared at by a waiter who definitely thinks you have been ditched. You confidently order two glasses of wine, just to give the impression that your friend is on their way. It does not work to your benefit. Now you just look like an alcoholic who has been ditched. Your friend finally turns up and you are so grateful for the company that you forget to shout at them. And would that even have helped? How do you teach them to be on time?
Solution: Invite them on a cruise. Everything paid for. As the ship leaves the harbour, you stand on the deck and observe as your friend comes running with wet hair and two different socks on. As they realise they are too late, you shout, "Sorry, pal. That ship has literally sailed." and then you have a smashing week on a boat all by yourself. Post pictures on their Facebook profile. They will never be late again.
Men Who Stare At Boobs
You are in the middle of telling the interesting tale of your Aunt Susie's trip to Sussex as his eyes wander off and end on your left boob. Then your right. Then your left again. Is he measuring them? Or just admiring? Either way, it is disrespectful. You are more than just a sexual object and your Aunt Susie actually saw some great things in Sussex, that he would benefit from knowing about. As he is nodding, pretending to still be listening, he is staring at your cleavage whilst you change little details in the story.
"So Susie decided to go to the moon," you say, "As she arrived, she was attacked by huge purple space-bears."
"Really? That's so interesting." he mumbles as he squints to focus on the nipple area. Does he think he can summon them?
"Yeah, she settled down with an intergalactic sea-monster and had a two-mile-long snake-baby." you add and without looking up he says,
"Sounds great."
He is definitely trying to summon your nipples now. That is not how they work. You know that because you have tried. Of course, you have tried. You are angry and disappointed. But how do you let him know that it is not okay to stare like that?
Solution: This takes a bit of preparation. You will always wear tiny mini-speakers in your bra and you will have pre-recorded tracks ready to be played, as soon as you push a button in your pocket. When a man is staring at your breasts, you will activate the sound. From the left boob, a voice will sound, "People who stare at boobs suffer from premature ejaculation" and from the right boob, "Your mother is ashamed of you." If all goes well, he will cry and you will win.