Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Sorab Shroff

GET UPDATES FROM Sorab Shroff

Are gay Lives Better now?

Posted: 13/07/11 16:21 BST

When they came towards us, violent and ready to punch us, I thought, "No, they've mixed us up with someone they've got a feud with." But soon enough, they shouted out words like "batty man" and "faggot." And I realised it was because we were gay. Eight teenagers, four of them girls, chanting lyrics that went, "I go and shoot queers with a weapon..."

You will do anything to save your life if you think you're going to be killed. When they were kicking my boyfriend, a strapping guy, down to the floor and then in the head, I thought, "That's it- we're going to die." I invented a fictional sister and kept repeating, "My little sister's at home, we really need to get home - just let us go."

At some point my boyfriend's rib broke. He shouted out, "You've broken a bone," They thought they'd cracked his skull and ran off, in terror and on a high at what they thought they'd done. A few more kicks and they would have - cracked his skull, that is. He'd have died and I'd have been without my partner of many years - not because of a car accident, or because he smoked too much - but because a few fifteen year old boys and girls thought it was important to kick a gay man to death.

Once I got over the fear of what had happened, I got angry. I couldn't understand why people who I had nothing to do with, people whose personal life I didn't give a damn about, were so enraged by what I chose to do with another consenting adult. Why did it bother them so much? I'd also started looking at my previously lazy, liberal views - we live in a country where it's generally fine to be gay. But then I've always lived in cities and am fairly confident. A broadsheet commentator recently said that gay people wanted too many rights and that, anyway, we were lucky because we lived in, "a land of King Elton and Queen Norton," referring to our gay celebrities. But what's it like growing up gay in a tiny Welsh village or in a community or religion where gay people are considered evil? And why, somewhere in North London is someone routinely beaten up for who they choose to sleep with?

Seems to me that the more gay people ask for the same kinds of rights as straight people, it provokes a bigger backlash. People are more aware of our existence, and bigots will use it as an excuse to attack us. Those who beat gay people up aren't outraged by our presence - they are terrified of someone different, they want to shut them up, get rid of them.

With time and therapy I was all right again - I also moved on to the world of work, trusted new people again. I revelled in the affection of friends and felt celebrated for who I was. It was like waking up again. But forgetting isn't easy. Things come back. This year, when the local pizza chain refused to deliver to my street because their deliverymen "get beaten up by the residents they deliver to," the randomness of that violence hit me once more. And I am back at that bus stop with those screaming lyrics.

 

Follow Sorab Shroff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sorabshroff

 
 
  • Comments
  • 10
  • Pending Comments
  • 0
  • View FAQ
Comments are closed for this entry
View All
Favorites
Recency  | 
Popularity
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
r henry
I live between concrete walls
05:13 PM on 07/19/2011
When you say "they want to shut them up, get rid of them", I completely agree with this. Every time I see someone, even on Huffington Post, saying to us that we'd be a lot easier to accept if we would just keep to ourselves, this is exactly what they want. For us to just be gone.

My partner and I were once threatened with a gun in a Steak and Shake parking lot when a large group of kids noticed we had a pride sticker on our car. We were very young. When we go in our car to drive away, they chased us for several miles through the city and were throwing rocks at the car. I didn't know whether they really had a gun but they said they did and I didn't want to find out for certain.

We didn't get hurt, thankfully, but it's something I will never forget. It's scary the way some people react.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Sorab Shroff
07:26 PM on 07/19/2011
Such a brave and honest comment, thank you.

Some of my straight friends are shocked this happened to me - and often realise how much they take for granted. If you are straight, generally these things are easy: the right to hold their partner's hand or kiss their partner in a restraurant/shop/street - things gay men have to avoid or be frightened about.

What happened to you sounds terrifying and awful. We should keep speaking out about these things as they destroy our innocence and joy.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
r henry
I live between concrete walls
08:08 PM on 07/19/2011
Yes, they do destroy. This incident, along with another involving two men in hockey masks only a few weeks later (not a hate crime), scared me enough to make me want to move out to the country. I grew up out there, though, and I know it's no better.

I don't want to downplay what you and your partner went through. These were moments when I felt threatened but nothing violent actually occurred. I do, however, understand the very real fear that it could. I've been threatened more than these times but these were the ones that were, by far, the most frightening.

(continued)
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
r henry
I live between concrete walls
08:08 PM on 07/19/2011
But to have actually had it manifest in real violence, that is really awful and I am truly sorry to hear it. I hate to make blanket statements but this is actually one thing I am often wary of when I see a group of teenagers. In today's world, it seems like kids this age are a lot more belligerent and less respectful than we would have ever been to any adult, gay or straight. I've had teenage girls say some pretty awful things to me while standing in line at the grocery store minding my own business. I'm sure you'd be hard pressed to find a gay person who hasn't at least had someone scream something hateful from a passing car.

We deal with it every day and sometimes, in cases like yours, it just goes too far.

People don't understand that this is why something like the education bill in CA is so important. These kids do these things because they think that the majority of people think the same way they do. If they were exposed to enough people who DON'T then maybe they would re-think their behavior.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Contact1972
BigGayInc
12:32 AM on 07/17/2011
Sorab-I'm so sorry that you and your partner had to go through that. I'll never understand why parents teach their children to hate us so much. As soon as I can I'm taking a course or three in self defense. If I'm going to be jumped I at least want to be able to fight back. Glad youre both ok.

BTW, totally off topic but are you a Zoroastrian?
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Sorab Shroff
06:08 PM on 07/17/2011
Thank you so much. It feels good to be able to talk about it.

Yes, I am. I grew up in Bombay.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
photo
practiceempathy
Tolerance need not yield to willful ignorance.
08:31 PM on 07/14/2011
Sorab, I had a similar experience, but I managed to escape before the violent intentions became manifest.

It is indeed most traumatic.

You said: "I couldn't understand why people who I had nothing to do with, people whose personal life I didn't give a damn about, were so enraged by what I chose to do with another consenting adult."

I think that when it comes to many people, especially young people, who are often not very in touch with their emotions and with the primal rage we all have within us simply for being human beings, for having been born into the human condition, JUST LASH OUT, and gays are easy prey.

Sadly, sometimes I don't think these people have true pro or anti convictions. They are merely rageful.

But yes, you are right. People, in groups, need the "other" to feel secure in their own identities and communities. We are the "other" but we are refusing to BE SO. So the backlash continues.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Sorab Shroff
07:28 PM on 07/19/2011
Thanks for such a well thought out comment!

Sorry to hear you had a similar experience. Often, whether violent or not, these incidents shake our confidence. After what happened to me, I found it difficult to leave the home for a long time. I remember making excuses and developing strategies to avoid going out and felt, for a long time, that it was my fault.