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Ten Things No-One Told You When You Decided to Get a Dog

08/04/2015 20:01 BST | Updated 08/06/2015 10:59 BST

1. It's not like having an extra child. Children learn to wipe their bums and muddy feet, and they learn to feel embarrassed. Dogs never learn that dragging their bum across the patio to clean it (usually when you have visitors) is not nice to see. And your dog will never feel embarrassed.

2. It's not just your Sunday roast that your dog will steal. Dogs will eat anything: the frozen pea that falls out of your freezer when you are getting something out, the potato peeling that falls to the floor when you're cleaning the work surface, dirty tissues, even Marmite.

3. Dogs do not have a conscience. If they make a mess, they will have forgotten about it long before you have finished cleaning up after them. However, they might show a little consideration; when you are on your hands and knees cleaning the floor of their dirt, they will graciously lie somewhere warm and comfortable to keep out of your way.

4. Who was it said ''A dog is always on the wrong side of a door''? As soon as you sit down, they want to go outside. And they won't feel bad about getting you up - see, I told you, no conscience (see point number eight)!

5. When you have a dog, you become aware of everyone else's dog. You will feel excited when you see another dog which is the same breed as yours, and you will feel companionship with owners who have the same breed as you. Lots of nice chats to be had!

6. You can spend a fortune on toys, chews, Kongs and accessories, but your dog will have more fun chewing the cardboard tube from the middle of the toilet roll, barking at the sound of a neighbour dragging in their wheelie bin, or chasing a pigeon, than ever these toys could bring.

7. Dogs do not have the same sense of humour as humans. You might think it's incredibly funny to put a baseball cap, reindeer antlers or glasses on your dog (and you WILL do this and you WILL take a photograph), to find your daughter has smothered Dairylea on his head, or to see his reaction to a balloon or a strong mint; but the look on their face tells you he is NOT amused.

8. Now I know where the phrase 'sick as a dog' comes from. Say no more.

9. He will lie on your lap, lie on your feet, lie on your bed, or lie on you. But he will want to lie wherever you are. Your feet need never be cold again.

10. You will rediscover the joy of wellies. Why do only kids have wellies? They are so under-rated! Get a pair and get outside - the joy of squelching through liquid mud, splashing in puddles, crossing rivers, kicking the fallen leaves, wading through long wet grass, and the tingle of your skin from all that fresh air, all with your best friend - that's what no one told you about when you decided to get a dog.

Crufts: Dogs who look like their owners