THE BLOG

All the Good Ones Are Straight

10/05/2016 17:34 | Updated 10 May 2016

I'm currently sat on a Virgin Pendolino en route to Manchester and I think I am having eye sex with the train manager. There's every chance that he's called Lee - because that's what his name tag says. There's also every opportunity that I am in a coma and that none of this is real. So I've tweeted @VirginTrains to check.

We've all done this on public transport right? We sit, we catch the eye of someone and then we build a relationship in our minds - hoping serendipity will kick in. Where in reality we probably have that glazed expression plastered on our face and the other party think we are having a stroke.

It got me to thinking about being single, modern dating and the power of the imagination and attraction to the unobtainable.

Lately, I have noticed myself really fancying straight boys - whether it's my colleagues in comedy, the boy I've made have a dance-off with me in the club or my uncle.... Just kidding, I don't fancy my uncle. He's not attractive!

It's kind of always been this way for me. The first boy I ever dated, he ended up going into the navy and then came out straight (which is the wrong way round). But lately - I've find myself having gone a bit loopy. For example, I am pretty convinced I have the opposite of the infamous gaydar. 90% of the men, I fancy straight and that final 8% are bisexual (which I can deal with), 1.5% want to have a flirt and that final 0.5% just want to have a go (it's like human Buckaroo - winner stays on)*.

I've spoken to a couple of gay friends to see if they feel the same and they made a point that really didn't occur to me. I'm always slightly slower on the uptake than most people and the point was so obvious - we are gay men. That means we fancy men. Heterosexual men are men. Therefore, we will fancy them! (D'Oi)

To think I nearly paid a therapist to figure out if it was some dark conceited problem. I was starting to think I was fancying them because I was a secret commitmentphobe and would never get with and therefore never have to commit to a straight man.

Have you heard of the commitmentphobe. When I got with me last boyfriend. For the sake of this, let's call him... Satan. We were on one of our regular dates at a Wetherspoons, sharing a jug of Woo Woo because I have class. And it was that stage in the dating where it either becomes a relationship or we shake hands and go our separate ways - only to penetrate during holidays! And I asked 'so do you want to make this an official thing' and I responded with 'listen buddy, if you can sign up to a Three mobile phone contract for 24 months, you can sign up to this bad boy for 12. And I'll let you upgrade after six - because I'm a giver'.

Anyway, that made me realise that I am not a commitmentphobe.

I think I've figured it out though. We're at a point where everything is so accessible. Thanks to Deliveroo we can even get Nandos delivered to us! And so I think it has made things that are more unobtainable - a house in West Hollywood, a straight man, the unicorn all that more attractive.

Also there's the lack of pressure. Dancing with a straight boy in a club. You know where this is going... nowhere further than the dancefloor. It's just fun and we don't have to wonder if they will call - and so there's no pressure. No fretting. It's just fun.

My point... well I'm not sure. I think I have figured out that I am attracted to the unobtainable because it's easy. And that is an oxymoron. And I may just be a moron. But maybe we all are. And that's ok.

*statistics not accurate obvs

For all upcoming dates please visit my website: www.stephenbaileycomedy.co.uk
I will also be appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe this summer, please visit: www.socomedy.co.uk or www.justthetonic.co.uk for more informtaion

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