I've been away from the ol' bloggage for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety (see previous posts) has been through the roof. Some days it has taken me until the early afternoon to get out of bed. I do not understand anxiety. Some times, I think the cause is the lack of stability in my life - a life between London and Manchester; a job with no guarantees, someone the other day reminded me that I am the CEO of my company, which is essentially me and my bag of dick jokes.
My pal, who happens to be a very funny comedian, Eleanor Conway (check her out on her Walk of Shame tour) has given me some top-notch advice. Stop worrying about what you can't control and enjoy what you can. At first, I was like 'piffle'. Then, she told me to write a gratitude list every day to bring out the positive instead of the negative. I, for one, forget to enjoy the moment and obsess about what's not happening. So, I've caved and embraced it. It's only two days but it's a better way to start the day than - "OH GOD, what shit is going to hit the fan today".
Growing up, I was never negative, I really believed that anything is possible if you just believed. Then, I met a lot of middle class producers and was like "oh crap - you hate the poor. I'm screwed and I'm not pretty enough to wing it". But, as of yesterday, this mentality has changed.
Wednesday's gratitude list
1. My friend Gina - she just understands me, gets me, gets my worries and has my back.
2. My Agent (and friend) Court - she really believes in me and she still seems the dream when I don't.
3. Family - they are so down to earth and normal. Their core is just love. They have no airs and graces.
4. My roomie Joanne - she supports me, she mocks me and she does the cheapest rent for me.
5. Today, I'm filming a show for ITVBe. I never thought, I'd get on TV but shows you just have to believe.
Thursday's gratitude list
1. Eleanor - she checked in to see that I was doing my lists.
2. Denton - I've come home for a weekend of Northern gigs and I get to see all my oldest pals. Denton has always felt like a community like everyone's got your back here - and I don't think there's a lot of that in the world anymore. A sense of community.
3. Keele SU - tonight I get to go and try out my new show at Keele University and watch some students try stand up for the first time. It's exciting to see people starting out their journey.
4. My live agent, Paul - he's a straight and he embraces my madness. And he only calls before midday if it's GOOD news.
5. Riggers - no one else will ring you at 1am to let you test your new vagina material will they?
You really should try your own.
This also leads nicely into this week's letter. E is for Ed, Edd and Eddy.
I realised I have three straights all with an Edward type name. Sometimes, I think I am spoilt with the straight men in my life and that is what keeps me from finding my gay prince. That's right, I am a gay who loves a straight. Talk about a stereotype. I know we can't end up together. Their wives would fucking kill me. These three Edwards have had my back. Some are new friends and some are old.
Ed - when I first moved to London, I had no money and hated where I lived. Manor House. If you like exiting a tube to find the road blocked by police. This is your kind of area. He found us a flat and he took the brunt of the rent. It was my best year in London.
Edd - he's my favourite bouncer. He's legit fit too. He's a good man. Edd is a new friend and I don't know how to explain it but the way he is with his wife and his son. A doting husband and father, proves there are still kind princes out there. Plus, he's really fun. He once let me take over the door at his club and let me ID people. I ID'd a woman once and she was like "I'm 50" and I was like "I'm going to need some proof". It was LOLZ if you were there.
Eddy - the nicest man in comedy. I can sit and talk to Eddy all day about the industry plus he's one of the rarities who wants everyone to do well so will recommend you to gigs and tell people about you.
So, I guess what I'm saying is I like men who want to save me. Holy fuck, am I broken?
I don't care. Give me some Ed.
This is not my funniest work, but sometimes we have to be real.