You've got to feel sorry for celebrities these days. They really miss out on the finer things in life. Things like the majesty of the London Underground, self-service machines at Tesco, and - of course - Tinder. Wouldn't societies most judged love to do a little judging themselves? Even with legions of fans and the adrenaline of performing live, nothing comes close to that sense of power you get when you instantly dismiss someone for having a cat in their photo.
This time last week, I went down to The Brits nominations party with Transmitter. They gave me a microphone, a camera and a producer. I was sent to "do whatever it is you journalist people do." Now, whilst we all love celebrity news (somedays my head goes dizzy when I think about what the Eastenders cast have done this time) we figured we'd take a more noble route - and let the stars play Tinder.
If you don't know, Tinder is an online dating app that trumps all others. It allows you, anonymously, to swipe either yes or no to prospective partners. If they decide that your mug is "worth one" and give you a thumbs up too, then you've got a match. In the words of Paddy McGuinness - "let the sperm meet the egg" (he's probably said that at some point). Tinder is the future. It makes speaking to anyone who isn't your boss, your mother, or the barista in Starbucks utterly redundant. And our celebrities can't play. Well, we changed that.
Now, obviously our stars can't put themselves on Tinder - they'd be swamped by lunatics. God knows if I saw Emma Watson on PlentyOfFish I'd send her about 400 messages (I'd go with the "Hi Emma! I'm just a regular guy" angle - she's got to be sick of those public school boys and rugby players by now, right?) but that doesn't mean they should be denied the simple pleasure of experiencing it. So, I was man enough to step forward and let them use my account - and was in no way exploiting their celebrity status to get myself a date. At all.
Here's what happened.
If only it had worked.
Maybe I could get Joey Essex to endorse my Match.com profile next time?
But it got me thinking. In a world that moves so fast we don't even have time to remember what celebs we love and what ones we hate, if "normal" people are struggling to find love, how hard must it be for the faces that fill our magazines? Maybe we could start up a dating site purely for celebrities (call it Cinder, or OnlyAFewEliteFish) and help these guys jump into relationships privately - instead of having their lives splashed across Twitter and attached to false, meaningless rumours?
Or maybe we should just bring back Celebrity Love Island?