It's been mere months since the wedding of Will and Kate. Just as soon as we've finally cleaned up the confetti and banners from the nationwide street parties, we are shocked and delighted to find two more of the nation's most-loved people are getting hitched. David Mitchell and Victoria Coren announced today that they are to wed.
I, as a fan of both, am utterly delighted. I am currently hanging up decorations in a 4x4 Connecting Wall motif. I'm glueing Coren's face on top of Robert Webb's on my Peep Show DVDs. I'm designing special little Poker cards where Mitchell reigns as King, Jack and Joker. It's time for the nation to get excited again. If the BBC don't air this wedding live, there will be outrage. There also better be a national holiday.
The couple appear to be the recent in a line of recent surprise engagement/wedding/pregnancy announcements. Mitchell's 10 'o Clock Live team member Charlie Brooker has recently announced that he is having a baby with his wife, Konnie Huq. I hope this pattern of 10 'o Clock Live hosts marrying TV Presenters continues. My money is on Jimmy Carr hooking up with Jeremy Clarkson (I say that mainly because I believe Jeremy would love his new surname).
I can imagine the day of the ceremony itself. Victoria Coren walks up the aisle to the strings of the Only Connect theme tune. The first song that the congregation sing is All I Want To Do, All I Want To Do, All I Want To Do is Praise Him. Meanwhile at the buffet, Giles Coren is analysing the presentation of the cheese and pineapple cocktail sticks. And what about married life? Would Victoria still play poker? I can imagine David would have a good poker face, deconstructing all the lies and illogical statements his opponents utter. The two would be unstoppable. And if a tape of their wedding night leaks, you can almost guarantee it'd air on BBC4. With commentary by Brian Sewell.
And what if they have kids? Surely a Mitchell/Coren DNA combination inserted into an actual human would eventually take over the world? Throwing its head back stating unbelievable truths, putting people in "bubbles" so they can't read newspapers (except for the Observer, of course). It's a future that I might not want to think about.
But let us not focus on that. We'll focus on the now. Here's to two amazing specimens of British culture, and I hope you have a long and happy life together. Just don't let your children take over the country, because we all know that they easily could.