"Hey honey," I said, hands on my hips and a look of incredulity plastered across my face. "Do you know what I've always dreamed of? Putting these hands in a bucket full of maggots, staring into the water for 10 hours straight and a flapping fish slapping my face! I mean, do you know what a manicure costs these days?"

Like most kids I grew up on a diet of fairy tale stories with happy ever after endings. Even as a teen the little flutters of romance with boys at our nearby school kept my dream alive.

Hooray for online dating! Who needs romance when you can be ridiculously picky and specify what you want from another human being, even down to their ...

No matter how gargantuan a woman's backside becomes, when she asks for an opinion on its size, you always tell her it's small. If it's abundantly clear her body mass index is teetering towards the 'morbidly obese/death by coronary' line, you might throw in adjectives like 'curvy' or 'cuddly'.