Now that the dust has settled and the rain has stopped, let's look at the past few days that have been such a boon to the Far Eastern makers of red, blue and white cheap plastic fluttering tat. There must have been container ships full of the stuff, advancing across the high seas since the turn of the year.
What I'm proposing is a spectacle of brutal combat that pits creative types against each other for the entertainment of a baying global audience and the profit of greed-crazed corporate sponsors. Think of it as The Hunger Games with the difference that what these contestants are hungry for is blueberry muffins, skinny lattes, new Apple products and high-end gift baskets.
In the days leading up to a show, I spend a lot of my time making sure I'm show ready. I'm probably in the minority of comedy acts that do this, but then again I'm not 'just' a comedy act, some people would say I'm not even a comedy act, with jokes like that one I've just made, they might have a point.
I have been, for as long as I can remember, a staunch republican. I skipped the Royal Wedding and went on holiday to Florence, home of the Renaissance Republic, as it seemed the most delightfully pleasant form of protest. I think monarchy is an outdated and inherently absurd form of political power that contradicts every philosophical tenet in my heart - the idea that you can only be born into true royalty is at total odds with modern Britain's democratic principles and emphasis on meritocratic social mobility. Yet, there is a whopping great problem with my frothy-mouthed rhetoric... I bloody love the Queen!