It's all there. Showbiz, make up tips, political news and many, many articles on how women have let themselves age, gained weight and caused the breakdown of society by not remaining at home to raise their offspring or indeed not having children at all, which is of course very wrong of them.

"I read this survey that said that unattractive girls are better in bed," a friend of mine said and looked me dead in the eyes, "No offence."

As his lips curled around the stained mug and the hot mud water reached his throat, he wished for the umpteenth time that he had never said that he could easily live on £53 a week. Iain did not know exactly how many times he'd wished this. He just knew it was more than he'd had non-tea or abuse bricks thrown through the window.

It maybe unpopular with namby pamby lefties but Ian (I've corrected for him) is absolutely correct. People who drain the decent, kind hearted, unselfish, right thinking, tax payers filled coffers of this great country such as my Tory husband, need to be reminded of a few FACTS.

If you spend any amount of time on public transport, particularly in our anti-social, paranoid, abrasive capital city, you'll notice that the vast majority of people neither talk nor look at each other and instead opt to waste away their existences in the soul-destroying cesspool of social media, angry birds, BBC iPlayer and other such pointlessly depressing activities found on smart phones.

This is a particularly special year for me as I am planning to become part of the action. I have been intending to enter a TV Talent show for so many years, I can hardly remember when the delusion began. Be it The X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent, I'd Do Anything or Any Dream Will Do (I was badly advised there) it has long been a dream of mine to win a commercial primetime trauma-vehicle.

The whole show lives in the implied context that we give to his actions which he exploits to add an air of sexual menace to proceedings. The mimes become graphic, violent, sexual, etc because of the meaning we apply which makes every action as uncomfortable as they are hilarious.

Piers my one true love, my Lord of Loveland, my bastion of succour, my dream boat of the Cuddling Line, has been bedazzled and enchanted by the whore of Babylon. His assistant, Kathleen.

The bushy mad man that has become Tony Law is a force in Live comedy not to be missed.

OK perhaps it is because I am getting older and this is just a symptom of advancing years, my attention swinging outwards and becoming focused like a ...

So I've discovered using the power of research that all racism is baseless. Racism is based on the belief that one race is better than another, and it's just not true. Never ever. Which is a massive statement. Usually when someone says 'never ever' it's complete rubbish, and they actually mean, 'all the freaking time'.

When I wrote to former Chancellor of the Exchequer Denis Healey to ask if he would speak at a Stand up for Labour event it was a shot in the dark.

An A to Z of comedians will be walking their funny feet along Hadrian's Wall to raise both money and awareness for The Children and Young People's Kidney Fund.