Yesterday was our three month 'vanniversary' and we definitely did not celebrate! Three months has flown by but also three months is a long time to be in relatively large van with my toddler and my boyfriend. One of the words that keeps popping into my mind is SPACE. I desperately need some space. Somebody give me some space!
I've always been a bit of a loner, my dad and my sister too. Don't get me wrong I love to be around others and socialise but I also really, really enjoy my own company. Since becoming a mum and taking on the role of the full time girlfriend/wife role, my own space is no longer something I have control over. Some days I crave it so badly that I think if given the chance to board a plane with a backpack and disappear for 6 months I would. Does that mean I don't love my son or my boyfriend? No. It means that I am still me. The person I was before I became what I am now. The adventurer, the thrill seeker, the inquisitive traveller who wants to see absolutely everything on this amazing planet.
I consider myself a strong woman and lately have met other women just like me, mamas who are trying to continue their development whilst doing a million other things. It's hard. I know I chose to have a child but I did not know how all consuming it would be and that part of me would grieve the freedom I used to have in abundance.
I am currently in the process of trying to set up my own business which would allow me to be a lot freer, to have the income to go away for a few days, to buy a house, have an office, all the things that would give me my space. I think it's so important to realise that space is something that in the end allows us to grow. My partner struggles with this. When I say I want to have a few days alone, or it would be great to have my own bedroom so that from time to time I could go to bed alone, read late, listen to music or just be, he takes it personally.
But recently through a program I am doing on Effortless Living, my teacher made a point that if someone feels something in response to what you are doing, a lot of the time it's their insecurity showing. This resonated with me strongly and I realise now that's exactly what my partner feels. Insecure. Insecure that I might not love him, insecure that I am not attracted to him, insecure that I might be changing...the list goes on. But what can I do about this? I can reassure him but I also need to be strong and stand up for what I want. Too often it's easier to become submissive and give in but that ends leading to feelings of resentment and anger and that is definitely not healthy for a relationship.
Space is something we can create, but yet it is something we always feel is in short supply. In a healthy relationship space is essential for survival. I don't believe you can be someone else's answer or someone else's solution. The other day I came across an interesting quote about love and how you can only really allow someone to love you when you love yourself completely otherwise you will always be looking to this person to fix you, mend you and fill in the holes.
This was a lightbulb moment for me.
I realised deep down I still have a lot of work to do on myself. If i'm being perfectly honest, I don't completely love myself, there are parts of me I really hate and parts of me I really like. It's a constant battle but I truly believe that by giving myself the space I am craving, the self love will appear, pop its head up and say hello because self love comes from what doing what your heart is telling you to do, your gut, your intuition, your wisdom.
I really believe that's really what love is, it's not an outside phenomenon endowed on you by someone else.
It's just you.
You returning to You.
Yes that's really what love is, you retuning to you.