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Mourning the Loss of Palin for President

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SARAH PALIN
AP

My reaction to Sarah Palin announcing she will not run for president was similar to learning that Gerard Depardieu had taken a whizz on a plane: not surprising, but strangely disappointing. Having slated Palin along with the other good liberals since she had arrived on the scene, I was confronted by my reaction. I loathed her presence as the psycho-chipper vice presidential candidate, right through to her predictable book deals and hard political partying with the Tea folk. So why did I secretly want to see Right Wing Barbie run in 2012?

It's not sexy, but here it is: it's the same reason you want to see Jimmy the Fat Kid with Allergies get picked for the other team in softball. Even if they've got some other solid players (hey, nice catch, Mitt!), Jimmy will bring down their spirit and make 'em look bad, giving your team a better shot at victory.

Obama's the team captain of the slipping champions, the Demokrats (our logo is a righteous multi-racial fist, btw). He talked a good game and rallied us into the season, but we're decidedly shaky. He kept on some bad players from the previous season (JERKS!) and we've had some bad games, not to mention bad weather. Incidentally, I'm not even sure if that's a climate change or recession analogy, so don't worry if you're not sure, either. Anyway, my point is that we need everything we've got to stay in the league. Including a juicy fall guy with trendy glasses for the other team.

Sure, Bachmann is also a scary ass candidate, but she is SO scary ass that she lacks the essential charm that Palin managed to conjure. This charm is key, for it makes the pride which goeth before a fall so much more satisfying. Carrying on with the softball player analogy, Palin is the kind of gal who would flirt manically with the other players before slipping in dog crap and falling at home base on her Prada-clad ass, giggling. Bachmann, however, would burn holes in the other players with her canine laser eyes and then smash in car windows with her bat if she's crossed. Oh, and all the while her homophobic boyfriend makes out with guys behind the dugout. Just not the same kind of scapegoat, is all I'm saying.

This isn't the kind of highbrow, intellectually considered approach to politics one should take, is it? Sure, it's less Machiavelli, more Casey at the Bat, but I can't be alone in my schadenfreude-leads-to-political-victory theory, here, right? And American politics have long since abandoned the "may the best candidate win" attitude, if it ever existed. And it IS a game - a media-covered, frenzied reality show designed to pique our more base nature as well as our fears of the future to come. And our little show just lost one of the best actresses we've seen in a long while.

As if highlighting my strange dilemma, as well as my need to wrap up this rambling missive, Jehovah's witnesses have just come to my door whilst I'm writing this just to "highlight to me some scriptures from the Bible." No word of a lie. I'm almost positive Palin has sent them to me like a religious sympathy card, the cheeky fucker. We'll miss ya, Lipstick.

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