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Nine Reasons Why 'Ex On The Beach' Should Be 'Axed On The Beach'

07/09/2015 14:02 | Updated 06 September 2016

Watching 'Ex On The Beach' is a stomach churner even for those of us who aren't the faintest of heart, but this series has taken the biscuit of crude, grotesque and morally corrupt. Aimed at 18-24 year olds, 'Ex On The Beach' is single handedly normalising horrendous relationship behaviours. Regardless of gender or orientation, these relationship habits need to be stopped.

According to MTV's facebook feed they seem to want to project a pro-feminist "YOU GO GIRL" kind of vibe, showing their complete lack of self-awareness when it comes to their programming output. 'Ex On The Beach' encourages misogynistic, and hyper-sexualised behaviour- not exactly coherent with the message they're promoting below:

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'Ex On The Beach' manages to tear down any of their faux-feminist postings in one testosterone filled fell swoop. Before all of the tanked up, protein shake drinking "lads" out there get all feisty- I understand that the vibe of the programming is perhaps supposed to be taken as "banter", and that it is a structured reality show- but it's about time "banter" bores off and MTV takes responsibility for its actions.

MTV Generation- here's a guide of how not to be Grotesque On The Beach:

1. Let's start with a simple one. Don't sleep with a man who calls you ugly.

Marty McKenna called a female cast member the "ugliest bird" in the house before making a sinister and disturbing plan to use her vulnerability and insecurities as a way of getting sexual gratification. Just to make young women out there aware- It's not OK for a "lad" to call you ugly behind your back with other "lads". This is just a man being disrespectful, under the frail veil of masculinity that they refer to as "banter".

2. Drink your drinks; don't throw them.

The ever-so charming, C-Bomb slinging Megan also seems to have fallen on a tube of lube in the house causing drinks to fly out of her hands over young men in the villa intermittently throughout the programme when they irritate her. For all those party-goers out there who think this is the perfect way to sass someone on the dancefloor- throwing is a drink over someone is not only aggressive, it's a form of assault. It's also ineffective. Learn to cut them down with "wit" rather than "wet".

3. Don't treat sex like you're popping to ASDA.

A delightful Welsh character in the show called Jordan supposedly had a "shag" book to keep note of all his conquests, reaching into the hundreds. This is just a public service announcement to women across the globe that a man having a "shag" book with hundreds of girls names in it will most likely only have to diarize these moments because one day his luck will run out, everyone will realise how much of an arsehole he is, and he will only have his little black book to fondly cry wank into until the end of days. Young people- stop seeing sex as a "to do" list and enjoy the moment. Get good at sex, try to gain some prowess instead of slapping your balls against someone for two minutes, rolling over, grabbing a pen and scribbling down whatever you think their name is.

4. You are more likely to go to bed with a Cheeky Nando's than a woman if you have jealousy issues.

"Dead behind the eyes" Jordan is such a treat he has made the list twice, this time digging his possessive claws into Megan and shouting at her for talking to another male cast member called Bear when Jordan wanted to get some beauty sleep. Just a word of warning for young people out there- if your partner is shouting at you for talking to someone when they are going to bed like you really don't have to put up with it. It sounds like they have jealousy, anger and insecurity issues. If you find that you or your partner are acting this way, seek counselling to sort your own self esteem out before you ruin someone else's. A helpful phrase to live by: no trust, no thrust.

5. Women can booze too now, you know?

If a man tells you that you are "embarrassing" yourself, just because you're drunk and won't give him any sexual or emotional attention- walk away faster than Craig David. He's trying to manipulate your emotions and crush your self-esteem. I'm looking at you, Bear.

6. There is nothing more awkward than watching someone rage around punching inanimate objects.

If things aren't going your way, you don't need to kick, scream, punch inanimate objects or excessively use the word "cunt". If you're doing this, it usually just means you're overflowing with testosterone and insecurities, which is never a good look. The latest episode saw one "lad" punch a flower. A fucking flower.

7. If you have trust issues it may be worth working through them at home instead of in a villa with a number of strangers.

If you refer to yourself as a "psycho ex"- it is alarming that you are aware of your issues yet are consensual to broadcasting your erratic behaviour on television- you should probably assess yourself before entering into a TV show. It makes the rest of the world worry what kind of psychiatric tests you have to undertake to be on the show. Probably something along the lines of "are you free between 18th and 30th August?"

8. Stop treating women like they are fleshlights.

Episode 3 saw "classy" Marty McKenna utter the phrase "I'm going to fuck her and never speak to her again"- showcasing perhaps the worst pillow talk in the history of the male species. It's everyone's prerogative to have one night stands- but at least have some bedside manner afterwards instead barely grunting and ignoring someone you were just resting your nuts in.

9. And finally, the golden rule.

You can only say the word "buck" if you are Queen Vicki from Geordie Shore. As for "banter", "graft" and "fingerblast"- stop trying to make these a thing, Gretchen Wieners of the world. "Fetch" was never a thing and that was a great word. These are all blemishes on the English language and must cease and desist.

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MTV- you have a platform. Use it for the better.