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Terrible First Dates

01/02/2017 16:09 GMT | Updated 01/02/2017 16:09 GMT

I have been on a lot of dates. Would you like to hear about some terrible ones? Of course you would, so here they are.

1) I made him think I love Hitler

He was an actor. We went to see his "friend" in a play about the Holocaust. I say "friend" because it turned out that they were actually shagging each other. Lots. I only found out after the third date when he casually told me they were having a pregnancy scare.

So anyway, we were watching this play, which was a complete rip off of Anne Frank. Just as the Nazis were about to bust in my friend text me this:

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

I nearly died laughing. Unfortunately it was right at the moment the Nazis had just begun shooting small children. He still wanted to see me again though, despite already having a girlfriend. Cunt.

2) He brought his mummy along

He was supposed to pick me up at my house at 7pm. At half past six there was a knock on my door, and when I opened it, a middle aged woman grabbed me, said how lovely it was to meet me and told me to get my coat on and get in the car.

Yes, I was fucking confused as well.

I looked behind her to see my date waving at me. From the back seat, like a child.

His mummy took us bowling and bought us burgers and ice cream afterwards.

He was 36.

During dinner, she asked me if I was on the pill.

I called a taxi and blocked his number.

3) He brought his son along and expected me to babysit

I knew he had a child.

Now, I am a bloody hypocrite seeing as I have children of my own, but I would never usually go out with a man who already had a child as I know what a ball ache access and arguing with ex's is and I can't be bothered with seeing it from the other side. But he was a friend of a friend and really nice, so I agreed to go out with him.

We were supposed to go to the cinema and he turned up with his three-year-old son. At 8pm.

When I said that maybe it was a little late to be taking a toddler into a loud cinema to see an adult film, he agreed with me and asked if I would take the child (that I had never met before) back to my house while he went to watch the film and he would pick him up in the morning.

I said no.

He called me selfish.

The date lasted three minuets.

4) He asked if he could borrow £500 to give his ex for an abortion.

Oh and it gets better: He asked for the money to give his ex to abort his child after he said he'd forgotten his wallet and I'd bought him whiskey for two hours.

When I said that no, I wasn't going to lend him the money, HE DUMPED ME because he said it would be too complicated to see me if his ex had his baby and that if I really liked him, I'd "want it gone".

I was in a stunned silence for about a week afterwards.

5) I got drunk and ran him over with a quad bike.

He was Irish and invited me over to a weekend family party at his granddad's farm.

Obviously, they were all completely gone by 3pm, and because they were constantly plying me with drink so was I. So when one of his thousand cousins suggested we get the quad bikes out, I thought it was the best idea ever.

Everything was fine until I skidded in some mud and he very chivalrously decided to try and grab the bike to stop me falling off.

Only I accelerated instead of breaking and ran him over.

I broke his arm in three places and his aunties kept giving me evil looks until it was time for my flight home.

I was gutted as he was gorgeous.

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