The Guyliner
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I'm a writer and editor in my mid-thirties who, on finding myself suddenly single after a long relationship, decided to try out the dating scene for the very first time. It soon became clear that the only way to get through it with my sanity intact was to write everything down, just like I used to scribble in my diary all those years ago about the people I hated at school. Some sit in a chair crying at their therapist; I perch at my kitchen table and write about it.

All the dates I blog are recounted from memory only – I don't sit there with a tape recorder and, I should point out, I am not going on dates just for blog material. I'm reporting the facts as I remember them. Yes, I'm an unreliable narrator, but I'm all you've got. Oh, and please don't take any of my relationship advice seriously. Clearly, I'm clueless.

Entries by The Guyliner

A Lucky Escape From the Handsome Guy With Control Issues

(0) Comments | Posted 24 July 2014 | (15:57)

Until my current relationship, I had always believed there was a price to pay for going out with a beautiful man.

Every Adonis I met seemed to come with their very own set of hang-ups. While they would hide these shortcomings from you at first, only the very best of...

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From Plus One to Zero at an Awkward Dinner Party Date

(0) Comments | Posted 17 July 2014 | (00:00)

"I'm going to a friend's for dinner on Friday. Come."

I should say "No thank you, Toby; it's only our second date". I don't.

"Is there anything you don't eat?"

I should tell him about my phobia of celeriac and meringues. I don't.

When I ask "What shall I bring?"...

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Why You'll Never Meet Your Next Boyfriend at the Supermarket

(1) Comments | Posted 9 June 2014 | (00:00)

The supermarket can be a boring and depressing place at the best of times, let alone if you're single.

Couples snogging in front of the very shelf you're trying to reach - lasagne for ONE - or, much more likely, arguing about being organic in front of the tenderstem broccoli....

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Sorry, Jonah Hill - You're Going to Have to Do Better Than That Apology

(3) Comments | Posted 4 June 2014 | (18:35)

Spare a thought, everyone, for Jonah Hill - the character actor caught on tape this week telling an irritating, confrontational paparazzo to suck his dick, signing off with the beautiful "faggot".

No sooner had the first bored internet user finished listening to the second syllable of "faggot" spill from Hill's mouth...

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He Said He'd Never Put Out on a First Date - Should I Be Impressed?

(0) Comments | Posted 13 May 2014 | (00:00)

A restaurant. I hate going for food on a first date, but my date suggested it and so here I am.

Leo is a student and 22 - that enchanted age where anything seems possible, but you're still not old enough to realise none of it will ever...

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A Date With the Guy Who Didn't Want to Admit He'd Seen 'Mean Girls'

(5) Comments | Posted 30 April 2014 | (00:00)

Midweek. Another bar. Another pint with a stranger. I sit and wonder where I'll be in five hours. Will I be back in my flat ignoring the ironing or will I be tangled in Egyptian cotton and kisses with tonight's contestant? You just never know.

My date tonight bristles with efficiency....

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Yet Another 25 Men You Should Never Date

(0) Comments | Posted 18 April 2014 | (00:00)

What do you look for in a man? Nice eyes? Bright smile? Good taste in footwear? Ability to make you laugh? We all have tick-boxes and black markers at the ready when it comes to finding a mate.

I can't tell you who you should date - that is simply...

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Are You an X Offender? How Many Kisses Do We Need on a Text Message?

(1) Comments | Posted 10 April 2014 | (00:00)

There are so many social minefields these days, and endless faux pas just waiting to happen, it is surprising we bother going out at all, or ever communicate with anyone. If it weren't for our thick skins and ability to recover from public mortification, we'd be better off living all...

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Guys, That Flirty Straight Man Is Only Interested in One Thing - It's Not You

(0) Comments | Posted 24 March 2014 | (23:00)

When you are growing up a future gay, you learn very quickly that your relationships with straight men are never going to be anything other than complex.

Whether you're trying to explain to your dad for the eightieth time that you're not going to kick that football back at him...

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Five Things I Have Pretended to Like Just to Get Sex

(0) Comments | Posted 17 March 2014 | (23:00)

Football

I remember a very miserable afternoon - a rainy Saturday - spent in a pub that smelled of cauliflower and dog, staring with great concentration at a TV up on the wall. I didn't really dare look away in case I looked like I was bored and I couldn't...

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A Near Miss With the Guy Who Had Attachment Issues

(0) Comments | Posted 2 March 2014 | (23:00)

I've been chatting online to Graham - a 35-year-old scientist - for a day or two and still can't quite work him out. And I'm not sure I want to. It's like there is something he isn't saying; the unwritten words hanging in the air like hours-old cigarette smoke.

He talks...

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Five Reasons You Should Never Go on a Running Date

(0) Comments | Posted 26 January 2014 | (23:00)

Dating used to be very simple: you meet a series of near-strangers for an awkward drink in a pub that's always too noisy/busy/rough/far away from a Tube station, decide whether you like them or not and if so do it all over again in a nicer venue and perhaps with...

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Why You Should Never Date a Christmas Fanatic

(0) Comments | Posted 23 December 2013 | (12:02)

Previously, I warned you against the man you should never date at Christmas: The Christmas Refusenik. Today, meet his bauble-loving evil twin.

It's July. You awake to a sound that seems at odds with the sunshine blazing through your...

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Why You Should Never Date a Christmas Refusenik

(2) Comments | Posted 22 December 2013 | (22:18)

"I don't do Christmas, " he will say, his face pinched with misery as if a stray strand of tinsel that has somehow found its way into his eyeline. Quite a statement, and one loaded with meaning. To him, Santa is just an anagram of Satan and nothing more. You...

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Think You're on a Date? For Him, It's a Networking Opportunity

(0) Comments | Posted 11 December 2013 | (23:00)

We have agreed to meet at a bar I haven't been to before. I don't usually do this - I like to be on familiar territory. But it is my date's choice and he has been pretty adamant about it in his series of texts, which he sends one after...

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33 Freakouts Your Date Will Have While Waiting for You to Show Up

(2) Comments | Posted 29 November 2013 | (15:48)

1. "All his photos were taken from quite far away. I hope he's not a horse-frightener."

2. "I hope he was joking when he described himself as a flâneur. Because seriously."

3. "Does my stomach look fat while I sit like this?"

4. "Should I stand up when he gets...

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A Booze-Free Date in a Museum - What Could Possibly Go Right?

(0) Comments | Posted 20 November 2013 | (23:00)

It is always important to answer questions honestly. Well, as honestly as you possibly can.

So when Mark, a civil servant from Kent, asks me "Do you like looking round old houses?" I should've at least replied "Not sure, depends" instead of an over-enthusiastic "Yes! I love that kind of...

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Five Condescending Compliments Nobody Should Really Want to Hear

(1) Comments | Posted 4 November 2013 | (23:00)

Think you're being nice with your throwaway accolades? Think again, baby cakes. Call me over-sensitive (if you dare), but I could really do without some of these more patronising praises.

DILF
The male version of the horrible frat boy platitude "Mum I'd Like To Fuck" pretends it is meant...

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How an Edamame Bean Turned an Awkward Date Into a Nightmare

(3) Comments | Posted 31 October 2013 | (23:00)

A good rule of thumb when browsing profiles is that if someone makes very bold personality claims, they usually mean the opposite. "I don't believe in jealousy; it's a wasted emotion" is shorthand for "I will try to strangle you for smiling at the checkout guy in the supermarket". By...

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Four Terrible Kissing Techniques and How to Fix Them

(9) Comments | Posted 18 October 2013 | (00:00)

Kissing is vital in any relationship. While a gentle squeeze on the arm or the arse can remind your partner you care, a kiss on the lips - even if it's a quick peck in the supermarket - is the internationally understood shorthand for intimacy. And you have to really...

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