The Guyliner
I'm a writer and editor in my mid-thirties who, on finding myself suddenly single after a long relationship, decided to try out the dating scene for the very first time. It soon became clear that the only way to get through it with my sanity intact was to write everything down, just like I used to scribble in my diary all those years ago about the people I hated at school. Some sit in a chair crying at their therapist; I perch at my kitchen table and write about it.

All the dates I blog are recounted from memory only – I don't sit there with a tape recorder and, I should point out, I am not going on dates just for blog material. I'm reporting the facts as I remember them. Yes, I'm an unreliable narrator, but I'm all you've got. Oh, and please don't take any of my relationship advice seriously. Clearly, I'm clueless.

Entries by The Guyliner

The Trouble With Sam Smith

(43) Comments | Posted 1 March 2016 | (12:47)

Imagine the scene. An ante room in a horribly opulent Beverly Hills hotel. There are gaudy flower arrangements and vomit-print furnishings as far as the eye can see. And in the very middle of it, stands Sam Smith, convincing his management that he can go on camera and not make...

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Why "We All Knew!" Is the Worst Thing to Say When Somebody Comes Out

(16) Comments | Posted 13 January 2016 | (15:49)

Coming out - you never stop doing it, really. First you have to come out to yourself, which can take years and is, arguably, the hardest one of all. Then, if you're fine with what you now know, you start to tell others. It's an ongoing process that varies wildly...

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Hot, Ready and Legal? You Need to Cool Off

(1) Comments | Posted 30 October 2015 | (23:00)

If years of hysterical media coverage have taught us anything, it's that lusting after children is wrong. Paedophilia - the great cause everyone can get behind and feel safe raising a flaming torch or pitchfork to. It's immoral, and always will be.

The legal definition of a child can vary...

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The Overthinking, Relationship-Ruining Guide to What Your Christmas Gift Really Means

(1) Comments | Posted 21 December 2014 | (23:00)

What do the gifts your other half gets you for Christmas really say about your relationship? Welcome paroxysms of angst and doubt into your life with my handy guide to what his presents may (or may not) mean for your romantic future...

A bubble bath/body lotion/face wash gift set

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Manspreading: Why We Do It and Why We Need to Stop

(6) Comments | Posted 2 December 2014 | (23:00)

I learned quite early on as a teenager there was a wrong way and a right way for a man to sit. As with most harsh lessons, it came from a bully. The dickhead of the week currently enjoying the school bus's dazzling spotlight pointed out to everyone the way...

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Why the Gym Is the Worst Place to Meet Your Next Lover

(2) Comments | Posted 24 November 2014 | (23:00)

I never dress sexily for the gym - I have never seen the point. Either I have been partnered during my stack of memberships or, more usually, I have had no interest in romance among the kettle bells. In the dank, municipal hellholes where I like to work out, I have...

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Coming Out Isn't a One-off Event - You Do It Day After Day for Ever

(0) Comments | Posted 16 October 2014 | (00:00)

Did you come out on National Coming Out Day last weekend? And how was it for you?

What people never seem to tell you about coming out is that it's not restricted to one day - it's a never-ending event. See those closet doors? They're revolving. Day after day, you will...

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The 25 Men You Should Really Never Date

(9) Comments | Posted 11 October 2014 | (00:00)

The dating arena is an unforgiving place. There's no time to waste on that search for lasting love.

As ever, I only want to help, so if you want to separate the men from the boys and the woulds from the would-nots, here I have 25 more men you should,...

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Everybody Needs Their Heart Broken Once - It Makes You More Human

(2) Comments | Posted 8 September 2014 | (00:00)

You may think you don't know what it's like to have a broken heart if you've never had one, but, if you've ever been in love, that's not true.

The beginnings of love and a broken heart are quite similar - cruelly so. The gut-wrenching feeling of not being able...

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Decoding Dumb Clichés People Post on Dating Profiles

(0) Comments | Posted 30 July 2014 | (15:48)

Your dating profile - or the bio on whichever app your fingers are getting busy with - is your storefront, your prime advertising space.

Sure, a picture tells a thousand words, but as anyone who's spent more than a minute in the company of a boyband can tell you, hot looks...

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A Lucky Escape From the Handsome Guy With Control Issues

(0) Comments | Posted 24 July 2014 | (15:57)

Until my current relationship, I had always believed there was a price to pay for going out with a beautiful man.

Every Adonis I met seemed to come with their very own set of hang-ups. While they would hide these shortcomings from you at first, only the very best of...

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From Plus One to Zero at an Awkward Dinner Party Date

(0) Comments | Posted 17 July 2014 | (00:00)

"I'm going to a friend's for dinner on Friday. Come."

I should say "No thank you, Toby; it's only our second date". I don't.

"Is there anything you don't eat?"

I should tell him about my phobia of celeriac and meringues. I don't.

When I ask "What shall I bring?"...

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Why You'll Never Meet Your Next Boyfriend at the Supermarket

(1) Comments | Posted 9 June 2014 | (00:00)

The supermarket can be a boring and depressing place at the best of times, let alone if you're single.

Couples snogging in front of the very shelf you're trying to reach - lasagne for ONE - or, much more likely, arguing about being organic in front of the tenderstem broccoli....

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Sorry, Jonah Hill - You're Going to Have to Do Better Than That Apology

(3) Comments | Posted 4 June 2014 | (18:35)

Spare a thought, everyone, for Jonah Hill - the character actor caught on tape this week telling an irritating, confrontational paparazzo to suck his dick, signing off with the beautiful "faggot".

No sooner had the first bored internet user finished listening to the second syllable of "faggot" spill from Hill's mouth...

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He Said He'd Never Put Out on a First Date - Should I Be Impressed?

(0) Comments | Posted 13 May 2014 | (00:00)

A restaurant. I hate going for food on a first date, but my date suggested it and so here I am.

Leo is a student and 22 - that enchanted age where anything seems possible, but you're still not old enough to realise none of it will ever...

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A Date With the Guy Who Didn't Want to Admit He'd Seen 'Mean Girls'

(5) Comments | Posted 30 April 2014 | (00:00)

Midweek. Another bar. Another pint with a stranger. I sit and wonder where I'll be in five hours. Will I be back in my flat ignoring the ironing or will I be tangled in Egyptian cotton and kisses with tonight's contestant? You just never know.

My date tonight bristles with efficiency....

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Yet Another 25 Men You Should Never Date

(0) Comments | Posted 18 April 2014 | (00:00)

What do you look for in a man? Nice eyes? Bright smile? Good taste in footwear? Ability to make you laugh? We all have tick-boxes and black markers at the ready when it comes to finding a mate.

I can't tell you who you should date - that is simply...

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Are You an X Offender? How Many Kisses Do We Need on a Text Message?

(1) Comments | Posted 10 April 2014 | (00:00)

There are so many social minefields these days, and endless faux pas just waiting to happen, it is surprising we bother going out at all, or ever communicate with anyone. If it weren't for our thick skins and ability to recover from public mortification, we'd be better off living all...

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Guys, That Flirty Straight Man Is Only Interested in One Thing - It's Not You

(0) Comments | Posted 24 March 2014 | (23:00)

When you are growing up a future gay, you learn very quickly that your relationships with straight men are never going to be anything other than complex.

Whether you're trying to explain to your dad for the eightieth time that you're not going to kick that football back at him...

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Five Things I Have Pretended to Like Just to Get Sex

(0) Comments | Posted 17 March 2014 | (23:00)


I remember a very miserable afternoon - a rainy Saturday - spent in a pub that smelled of cauliflower and dog, staring with great concentration at a TV up on the wall. I didn't really dare look away in case I looked like I was bored and I couldn't...

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