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Yes, Many Parents Probably Don't Want a Gay Child, But Shouldn't We Be Asking Why?

Posted: 10/12/2012 13:15

The gay marriage debate rumbles on. And it really is rumbling, like a tummy which refuses to be sated no mater how much junk you feed it. It's becoming tiresome to watch, whichever side you're on. Everyone seems to be making the same points over and over again, like a long line of toy monkeys banging their miniature crash cymbals while an air raid siren whirrs its death rattle in the background. The 'church' thinks Thing A, pro-gay marriage campaigners think Thing Z, and there's a whole load of other soapboxes to stand upon in the letters in between. The stupid thing is that it is all drearily inevitable that the legislation will go through, and still be argued about once it has. A fox hunting de nos jours, but with wedding cake and an actual advantage for humans.

Occasionally, however, someone says something that rises above the constant din of discontent -- a sharper, shriller tone cuts through the migraine-inducing murmur and demands attention. Sometimes it's a bishop banging on about the sanctity of the union between a man and a woman and sometimes it's a spoiled Hollywood actor offering half-baked opinions on gay parenting. But this week it's an MP who's tapping his virtual microphone and squeaking "Is this thing on?" Step forward David Davies, Tory MP for Monmouth.

David 'Double Dave' Davies has a lot of strong opinions and he's not afraid to share them - one of his lifelong ambitions seems to have been to make sure his face ended up wrapped around a battered haddock and chips - and in between his ranting-by-numbers about gay marriage and sex education in schools and all that other stuff we've read time and time again, comes a statement which is actually worthy of attention. Take it away, Big D, talking to the BBC: "I think most people are very tolerant and have no problem at all if people are gay but, and I hate to say this in a way because I expect it's going to cause controversy, but I think most parents would prefer their children not to be gay, knowing most parents want grandchildren if nothing else."

Ignoring for the moment David's protestations that he would really rather not cause any controversy thank you very much and how naughty of us it is to pick up on that wholly innocent thing he just said, let's take a closer look at what he's actually saying. David thinks that most parents would prefer not to have a gay child. And you know what? I think he's right. But not for the boring reason he trundles out - the mythical lure of having loads of toddlers who are vaguely connected to you coming over and wrecking your house every Saturday afternoon.

While there have been protests that Davies's comments are completely without foundation, isn't it entirely possible that there are many parents out there who are completely unprejudiced, but would rather not have a gay child because, let's face it, growing up gay is still a nightmare for most.

When you have a child, I'm told that you love it unconditionally, and all you want for it is the best life free from fear or worry or pain. Understandable, then, not to wish your child the hell of being spat at on the school bus every day, or mocked in the classroom, with teachers either oblivious or sympathetic but ultimately powerless to stop it. Stories of homophobia-motivated physical attacks are still in the news; gay hate crimes are a fact of life even in the most liberated of countries. What kind of parent would want that hanging over a child's head? Add to that the perception that gay relationships aren't the same as heterosexual ones, that they aren't as serious or committed and thus don't deserve the same status as straight couples. No parent would want their child to be a second-class citizen, right?

For straight people who don't know or understand gay people, it can be perplexing and frightening. AIDS and HIV, despite a decent PR job over the last decade or two to change perceptions, are still seen as a gay problem. As valiant an effort as the 'It Gets Better' campaign has made, gay teenagers still kill themselves because of bullying. The uncomfortable obsession gay society has with stereotypes and being misrepresented means that it's harder than ever to 'fit in' without being put down for not conforming to the increasingly strict, puzzling and ever-changing, invisible 'rules' about how not to be gay. Sensationalist stories and the people who love them helpfully blur the lines between homosexuality and paedophilia as yet another once-loved TV star is posthumously thrown to the wolves. And two girls kissing on a soap opera is just as titillating now as it was the first time Anna Friel applied her Lipsyl in anticipation.

In short, being gay in 2012 can be just as confusing, upsetting and horrifying as it was in the 1950s. It's entirely understandable that no parent would wish such a life on their offspring.

It's imperative, then, that we look at how we can change perceptions of gay people and reduce this innate fear of the homosexual 'way of life'. How do we show parents that it's okay, that their children have every opportunity available to them whether they're gay or not?

How about we start with not letting politicians, religious figures and social commentators badmouth gay people and, now stay with me here, maybe we should get that gay marriage thing over with an introduce it as soon as possible? Then every parent will get what they really, really want - the opportunity to cry at, not to mention grumble about the cost of, their child's wedding.

We've talked enough, David. Onward.

 

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11:49 PM on 12/21/2012
Nature endows us with a specific gender and thereby a purpose. So yes, it is most likely that there are few parents would choose that their baby is born 'gay'. Buggery isn't part of how nature intended the penis to be used.
Even today, psychologist & sociologist cannot answer - as to whether people are 'born gay' or if there is some other factor involved after birth.
Regarding HIV - in the US the highest incidence of HIV is amongst gays and in the UK the highest rate of increase of HIV infection, is found within the gay community.
On the issue of 'badmouthing' gays - the Church has taken a vocal stance only as regards the marrying of gays in Church. Surely, it has a right to voice and defend its doctrinal standpoint on this matter?
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Kara Kramer
11:22 PM on 12/16/2012
I should think the best place to start would be by pointing out that what most parents want has nothing to do with what they get, or the rights of said offspring.
Most parents probably don't want very short sons either.
Are we gonna ban short men from getting married?
What most parents want has NOTHING to do with this debate.
At it's heart, it seems to me, speaking as a straight person, that it's simply a matter of a tyranny of the majority.
Without any means tested evidence that gay marriage is bad for society, straight people have no right to ban it.
It's simply none of or business.
And it seems to me that a lot of opponenets have attached the importance of their marriage, it's value, to their ability to deny others marriage.
If your marriage is happy, and you're together to BE together, then what have you to fear from gay marriage?
And if it's not, don't you have bigger problems?
05:23 PM on 12/16/2012
Every normal persons nightmare
01:49 PM on 12/16/2012
From what I've seen in a long life, sexuality is vastly more complicated than most people involved in this debate are prepared to admit. Some people may well be exclusively one thing or another, but for others "it's complicated" and they choose to have all kinds of relationships.

On the other hand, you can't coerce people into wanting what they don't, so why should the state be bothered with what happens in the bedroom? People don't live together just for sex, it's usually for convenience and companionship*. Personally, I would leave 'marriage' to the churches, and equalise all other unions as civil partnerships. (And I wouldn't let people do that unless they've cohabited for a year!) If your religion doesn't support what you want, start a new one!

*As 'Butters' in South Park says: "A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?"
10:05 PM on 12/11/2012
Davies is undoubtedly correct in what he said, but what was the point of saying it? I believe a number of parents do welcome the idea of grandchildren and, yes, of course they would worry about bullying, but so what? It is a rare gay kid going through school, I would imagine, who does not at some point wish they were straight. It would be a rare school that did not give them cause to. But, once more from the top everyone, gay people do not choose to be gay. There isn't a thing they can do about it. The only choice is to acknowledge their sexuality, with all the problems that does still bring, or live a narrow, unfulfilled closeted life. What parent would wish that on their child?

The only conclusion to draw from Davies' statement is that he plods on in the belief that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. Legalise gay marriage = more people becoming gay = sadder parents. Sigh. How soon until Parliament is free of these dinosaurs? That meteor must be due any day now, surely?
02:20 PM on 12/11/2012
I grew up being bullied because I'm, to put it mildly, plain looking. You can choose to hide your sexuality, but not your looks. I don't suppose my parents wanted to have a non pretty girl, either, but they gave me unconditional love and still do.

And while attitudes about gays are thankfully changing, (if slowly), I don't suppose I'll ever be accepted as being plain. The point is, it's not just gays. Remember that woman in Leicestershire who killed herself and her daughter because of hate crimes and bullying? It's bullies and hate-mongers of all kinds who need tackling.
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Kara Kramer
11:23 PM on 12/16/2012
Very true.
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Nathan0316
TrueBlueTory Age quod agis
12:43 PM on 12/11/2012
Attitudes among children will change when the attitudes among their parents do. I will admit the article above brought up a point I had not previously considered (I don't have children nor do I want them) but no child is born to hatred, that comes from their parents. It seems to me we should legalise marriage for all as quickly as possible, if only to take away at least one more way in which people can differentiate each other!
09:28 PM on 12/10/2012
My tummy started rumbling way before the end of this rather predictable article by, I guess, a new journo using as much flowery language as poss. He whinges about the endless repetitive arguments yet takes numerous paragraphs when a couple would have done...yawn. I'm going for some toast.
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gravescanada
08:09 PM on 12/10/2012
As the father of a daughter who is a 21 year old lesbian, I can say that it was not hard to raise her. We stayed vigilant when she entered high school and taught her to be strong, to tell those who treated her with hate that she did not care. She has grown to be a very strong person and is now a tattoo artist. She just wishes the male customers would quit hitting on her.
05:27 PM on 12/10/2012
Children are not born with a money-back guarantee.
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loulou11
05:13 PM on 12/10/2012
I can honesstly say, I have never been worried about my childrens sexuality. As long as they are happy, I am too. At the moment they all appear to be heterosexual, I say it like that because they are all in the early twenties stage of life and you just never know : )

The only thing that would bother me because I have a severe phobia, is if one of my boys was a transvestitie. Now that I seriously don't know what i would do!
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06:55 PM on 12/10/2012
Our son went very quiet one day, when we got to our bedroom he was trying one of his mother's dresses on. Mind you he was only 5 at the time
08:31 PM on 12/10/2012
Why are you frightened of your sons being transvestite? Mine is somewhere on the trans scale and he's completely fine. Happy, well adjusted, enjoying school, lots of close friends who all know and acccept him, goes to our LGBT Youth group and fancies girls. He just happens to like wearing women's clothes sometimes.
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loulou11
03:40 AM on 12/11/2012
I have a genuine phobia, the same as anyone who is scared of spiders.  I know its a strange phobia but honestly its true, it causes a lot of embarrassment sometimes.
 
I cannot shop in one of my local supermarkets as man is either a transvestite who is working there or transgender and going the change period in his life.
 
Its not drag queens or people at carnivals etc, its transvestites and and I don't know why.
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AlanDente
Noses: made to hold glasses
04:58 PM on 12/10/2012
'But this week it's an MP who's tapping his virtual microphone and squeaking "Is this thing on?" Step forward David Davies, Tory MP for Monmouth.'

Great writing!

Good article, thanks.
04:23 PM on 12/10/2012
Stands to reason really, I have never heard anyone say "I hope my child turns out gay".
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03:12 PM on 12/10/2012
It's disheartening that despite the inevitability of the introduction of gay marriage there are still those with deeply entrenched hatred of the gay community. On the news story where Mr Davies tries to claim that he isn't prejudiced against gays there is a "woman" who freely admitted "her" love for a child would be withdrawn if that child were gay. How is that possible? How can you love a child one day then withdraw it the next and claim to be a god fearing christian? It just beggars belief.
The level of bile being thrown around on that one makes me sick.
02:08 PM on 12/10/2012
Yes.