thesophie's reaction to the New Year's Honours List ceremony, as it is announced live on CBEebies, hosted by Jonathan Ross.
As rumoured, Ronnie Corbett gets a CBE for more than five decades work in entertainment. That's a one-up on his late comedy partner. Presumably, Ronnie Barker only got an OBE because he didn't hit the big five-oh. Everyone knows the Queen loves a golden anniversary. At least we'll avoid the 'It's Good Knight From Him' headlines. Oh, no Wossy's just gone for a dig at his height. Cheap.
Helena Bonham Carter, 45, will receive a CBE for services to Drama. Nothing to do with her positive portrayal of the Queen Mother, we are all assured. Some mumblings backstage about whether her recognition has anything to do with the fact Tim Burton is directing the production. Wossy now placating a very angry Johnny Depp.
Poet and critic Professor Geoffrey William Hill has been knighted for his service to Literature and Gambling. Apparently, Charles met him in the toilet earlier and he got a royal flush. I was told this by my moles. Don't groan at me. Moving on...
Rory McIlroy will receive an MBE, and also with honours are Darren Clarke, Chris Paterson and also Jamie Peacock who are also things to do with sport. I don't know what to write about these people. I am a shoe-hoarding, handbag-dribbling, tampon-saturating woman.
The lovely Lorraine Kelly is recognised for her services. A lot of noise from Anne and Nick on a nearby table (luckily dangerous duo Phil and Fern have been replaced by Phineas and Ferb). The officials are just checking what her award is for... Ah ha! Charity and Armed Forces - a sigh of relief from the celebby audience as Richard and Judy place down their light entertainment hammers. Apparently she thinks it's 'brilliant'. Lovely.
I think I just overheard Loose Women discussing a cover of 'that desperate housewives choir' in a bid for a 2012 honour.
Sky News' Alex Crawford, It's A Knockout's Stuart Hall, filmmaker Murray Grigor and the Ministry of Defence's Dr Andrew Baxter were all given OBEs. Only Baxter could play his, as the rest had too much Vaseline on their lips and couldn't get purchase on the reed. Wossy has thrown a right strop at this and has invited Julian Clarey on to comment. Something about Norman Lamont apparently, sorry I missed it.
Finally, the Order of the Bath is announced: hot tap on full, add Matey, a bit of cool water gently introduced, swish about and throw in a disgusting amount of honourable mentions for the government. Well, we're always saying it needs cleaning up...
Signing off here, as Vernon Kay is calling for more breast milk. For those interested in the real details, click through here for the list in full.
Love you all (not you),