Shocking news emerged this week, people. And not the news that errant Tory political philosopher, Philip Blond, paid £165 of 'borrowed' think-tank money for The Stratosphere's Ugliest Chair. Granted, that news was pretty shocking. 100% taste-free, fully upholstered in fabric sporting a scantily-clad-chicks-on-motorbikes print. Monstrous. Even Lemmy would have happily torched it if his lighter had failed.
Anyway, theweemo digresses. No, the REALLY shocking news was that Eighties Sunday teatime favourite, Bullseye, is making a comeback. No, wait...IN AMERICA. And this in the same month the UK was hit with the mind-exploding newsbomb that America's Fox studios had bought the rights to delightfully retro kids TV shambles Rentaghost and is planning a remake - with Ben Stiller. The premise of which is as ludicrously ambiguous as a Russian oil oligarch suddenly deciding he needs to own a chain of Ipswich corner shops because they appear to be 'quite popular.'
Is not the United States of America too wrong and big and shiny to handle such a keepsake as Bullseye and successfully leave its mystique intact? Will not its wrong, big and shinily-expensive mitt crush this small, culty TV memory as it attempts to pick it up and shake the loot out of it? Was the word 'mystique'
theweemo harbours deep fears. Deep, dark fears involving dancing girls in bikinis wearing papier-mache bulls' heads.
And so, before this travesty manifests, let us reflect whilst our memories remain untainted on what the good ship Bullseye, under bespectacled skipper Jim Bowen, taught us about the world:
(1) Public houses are better than universities - especially these days
Even before the recent state of the UK's higher education confirmed it, it was generally agreed upon that pubs were the place in which to hone the skills that would get you ahead in the world. Ok, if not the world, then in the Pounds For Points round. No-one who stayed at home every Friday evening instead of going out to play darts, drink Holsten Pils and eat Big D nuts ever got anywhere. Except the Dalai Lama, Barack Obama, Mother Theresa, The Duchess of Cambridge, Einstein, Bill Gates, Lady Gaga and people like that. But do you know what? They are all SHIT at darts.
(2) Always have a mate who knows a bit about geography
"Why does it matter that I know where Nagorno-Karabakh is?" suspiciously asks your mate Phil. Little does Phil know it could mean the difference between winning a Moulinex Optiblend 2000 liquidiser and not winning a Moulinex Optiblend 2000 liquidiser. Keen travellers would probably add that knowing whether or not you're in the Republic of Azerbaijan has other, more useful applications. They may be right. In which case, shares in Phil's Friendship Stock have just DOUBLED.
(3) Glamour isn't a patch on realism
Bullseye was a working class game show for a working class family. It looked like it smelt of a Rothman's kingsize filter-tip and cost about as much to produce. Contestants regularly showed up in tracksuits looking like unmade beds. Prizes were paid in cold, hard cash. theweemo fears that no such corners will be left on Bullseye USA. The viewer needs to be able to sit in front of a game show and think: 'I could do better than that'. Not: 'I'd have to drop at least a stone and get me teeth done before they'd let me on there.' Yes, theweemo has visions of US contestants with a higher synthetic materials content than the Bendy Bully. She has also just had a flashback to the bull's head bikini girls and feels the needs to stop for a moment and recite her anti-panic-attack mantra until calmness returns.
(4) TV was far more cruel in the 1980s
The X Factor has received endless criticism for taking pitiless advantage of the emotionally vulnerable. Whether this is in reference to the contestants or those forced to watch, theweemo isn't sure. But she for one comes out in weekly distress hives at Frankie Cocozza's hair that appears to have been laid with explosives and detonated. But this is NOTHING compared to holding up a handful of cash or unveiling a caravan just after Jean from Stockport has shit out and lost both. Being told that half the country thinks you sing like a bucket being kicked around a skip is quite literally Big D peanuts in comparison to the words: 'Here's what you could have won.'
(5) There is bugger all you can do with half a Speedboat
US producers, if you're reading - think on.