THE BLOG

Apple and Google's Masterplan Has One Fatal Flaw: Your Nude Pics

28/08/2015 09:02 BST | Updated 27/08/2016 10:59 BST

Life without Apple, Google and Samsung would be almost unrecognisably different. That's just a statement of fact. It's also entirely pointless to think about, because if they didn't exist, another company would have filled the void and done exactly the same thing anyway.

Every single year almost every major tech company unveils some new feature that's supposed to make our lives easier. From Share my location to Google Photos, they all want to bring us together into this beautiful utopian world of 'sharing is caring'.

iphoto

All of your photos, on every device. There's NO WAY this can go wrong.

There is however one fairly major flaw with almost all these features and that is - if you'll forgive the bluntness: our genitals.

The problem with almost all of these features are their expectations of us as human beings. They're hopelessly unrealistic. I, for example, do not want my family to know where I am all the time. For starters there's the basic issue of privacy, and, secondly, if they did know they'd probably start wondering why I don't have a drinking problem.

Location however is just the tip of an enormous and socially awkward iceberg that is almost entirely occupied by one subject: sex.

When Apple unveiled iPhoto Library it seemed as though the future was finally here - take a picture on your iPhone and your stunning vista will be immediately uploaded to every iDevice you own. Perfect for those holiday snaps that you'd love to then show off on your iPad to the traditionally assembled (and usually bored) family members that have stupidly agreed to see 'the side of Italy that no-one ever sees.'

family holiday

If only your smartphone was filled with loving holiday photos like this 100 per cent real family.

The problem - and I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this - is that literally every image you take will be uploaded. It's all or nothing buddy. So if you're perchance engaged in a somewhat risqué conversation with your partner and fancy sending them a stunning vista of your unmentionables, then every device you own is being equally blessed with that picture, whether it's your laptop, your Apple TV or your iPad.

The same goes for Google Photos - take a picture and suddenly Google Drive is now defiled with your smut. Starts to become quite a problem when you want to show granny the approved pictures from Italy.

It's not over yet though. Oh no, now there's messages. On Google Hangouts and Apple's iMessage you can now access your messages on any device. That's right. Start a conversation on your phone and then moments later continue it on your laptop - a blissful partnership between devices that's both seamless and convenient.

woman office

This 'Businesswoman Sitting At Desk' is blissfully unaware of the picture her boyfriend is about to inadvertently show her boss.

Unless of course you're chatting to some girl/guy you met a few weeks ago and have now progressed to the 'So what are you thinking about... ;)' stage during office hours. We've all been there, and that's totally fine because we're all human, and more than likely doing it's a lot more interesting than doing work.

The only problem is that this new culture of 'Bring Your Own Device' means that you're now 100% more likely to have your boss leaning over your shoulder and accidentally seeing just exactly what he/she is in fact thinking about thanks to a crudely taken but still highly effective toilet cubicle shot.

Not ideal.

Don't worry though, you can just turn that off as well.

So what do we have left? Music, well that's handy, and unless all your music collection is exclusively comprised of new wave songs composed using the sounds of lovemaking that's going to be a relatively shock-free zone.

Now you could just retort with 'well why don't you just turn it all off then?' and indeed you'd be correct, it requires no more than a simple tap and suddenly everyone is safe from the risk of seeing your junk.

It doesn't leave much left though, and that's pretty much my point. Innovation is definitely happening, but the cost for it is apparently human nature. I'm not saying we're all sex-crazed teens, but we'd be lying if we said sex wasn't a major part of our entire lives.

Whether you're single or married, you're all going to be frantically checking your iCloud settings now because the last time you sent a picture, it probably wasn't just going to one place.