Huffpost UK Comedy uk
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Trevor Holland Headshot

Capitalism in Fancy Dress

Posted: Updated:

We live in a Capitalist society and I've made my peace with this. People sell stuff and people buy stuff - fine. However, I tire of said stuff being peddled by minor celebrities and out of work extras, on my television.

Television adverts feed on the stupidity of suggestible morons, of which there are many, not excluding myself. I am, regrettably, a stupid, suggestible moron. However, this does nothing to quell my rage at some of the idiocy that I behold , on a daily basis. Principally, adverts that effectively sell every day products, in fancy dress. Allow me to explain:

Do you use air freshener in your home? Yes? So do I. I too, have been known to utilise the fragrant delights of of these products. For reasons unknown to me, I enjoy the experience of my home smelling of a Springtime Meadow, a Vanilla Dream or even a Magnolia Moment. However, I hold no shame in admitting my use of air freshener. I'm no closet user, no secret Lemon Glade Stinker. I have no reason to hide my use. After all, my secrecy, I feel, would be both unwise and unnecessary. Whose home naturally smells like Freshly Cut Grass, apart from a Gnome's? Well, it seems that not everyone shares my open-minded twenty first Century, forward-thinking approach to home fragrance, for it appears that some people's embarrassment has reached such an extent, that they have resorted to ninja, stealthy use of air freshener. Apparently, it is now the done thing to disguise your air freshener as a decorative rock. Have you seen the advert? Firstly, what is a decorative rock? Secondly, how many rocks do you need to possess, in order to integrate your fancy dress air freshener into your collection? Brighton beach strikes me as the only setting, in which such a disguise would be a successful one. What fragrance would a Brighton beach, rock-disguised air freshener produce? The smell of the sea, presumably. If you, like me, are a proud user of air freshener, say it loud and proud and shout it from the rooftops, otherwise, you're a moron, who's misplaced insecurity renders you a pointless human being.

Now, I like a yoghurt. I'll level with you; I enjoy the sweet, creamy and simple pleasure of a good yoghurt session. There, I said it. I must stress, however, that I have no ulterior motive for my yoghurt-eating. I eat it for its creamy nectar. Nothing more, nothing less. It appears, though, that some people eat yoghurt as a conduit for digestive and, ultimately, faecal regularity. Why? Take a laxative, or crumble some fibre down your neck hole. Why disguise your need for a greater dump frequency, by dressing it up as a delicious snack? I trust you've seen the adverts. I write, of course, about Activia Yoghurt, the creamy snack, the principal purpose of which, it seems, is to instigate regular defecation. Actually, I lie. Activia Yoghurt has a two-fold purpose, the former being the aforementioned poo-causation and the latter being the fact that, at a retail price of something like a trillion pounds per pot, it renders the manufacturers very rich people indeed. Activia, of course, contains an active ingredient, namely Bifidus Digestivum, which is not only an utterly fabricated, faux-scientific ingredient, but also, of course, a Harry Potter spell. Mr Activia clearly struggled to invent a sufficiently scientific-sounding name for his product's active ingredient, so sought inspiration in the form of a visit to Blockbusters, no, actually, HMV, no actually, oh forget it. You know what I'm driving at. In essence, he watched Harry Potter. Imagine how the dynamic of Harry Potter would have changed, had this spell been employed in its narrative. I feel that Mr Potter could have saved himself a significant amount of time and effort, by simply causing Lord Voldemort to plop in his robe, utilising the famed 'Bifidus Digestivum' curse. No dark wizard can be taken seriously, when rendered incontinent by a speccy teenager. His fall from power would have been as swift as the trail of liquid faeces down his skinny white leg.

To conclude, if you need to poo more frequently, take a laxative. Once you've had your poo, use an air freshener to clear the stench and do so proudly, in plain sight. Don't be ashamed. If we have to live in a Capitalist society, let's not do it in disguise.