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Tiernan Douieb

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The Party for People Who Hate People

Posted: 04/01/2013 00:00

The fat, thin, elderly, young, weak, poor, sick, those with or without pets and anyone who reads anything, particularly facts, are the "root of all problems", said someone in Parliament somewhere today. The government announced that these would be the targets of their new policies to lower the debt or perhaps deficit - depending on which week it is and what they said last time - for 2013.

According to a party spokesperson there are two major factors for this fresh, new stance. Firstly they are taking into consideration that absolutely none of their plans to kick-start the economy have worked so far and they have no other ideas. Secondly they've looked at the way that countries such as Iceland and now even the US are gradually clawing their way back into the international market, and have decided to ignore their tactics as that would be too sensible and no way as fun as "just killing off the population".

Obese people are the first to be targeted because, as the Health Secretary said "they are easy targets on account of there being more to fire at. Harder to miss you see? Why can't I just shoot them? Who makes these bloody laws anyway?"

Anyone whose BMI scale is higher than that of any of the athletes who won gold shiny things at the Olympics, will be forced to go to the gym or have their benefits cut. The hope is that without benefits these 'money gulpers' will have less money to be able to afford to eat decent and healthy food, therefore increasing their size rapidly and dying of heart attacks before the welfare system has to deal with their ungrateful selves.

The think tank study into this suggests that their "whale-like carcasses can be used to burn as fuel for our fancy cars and jet planes or to create more soylent green than the average impoverished orphan. This could then feed several impoverished orphans at once so they can work in factories longer."

Next up are the elderly who the government suggest that it's best to just "freeze back into work". The Department of Health, working alongside the Department of Work and Pensions on this area of debt reduction say that by taking away winter fuel allowance elderly people will be more inclined to go out and work in order to stay warm via movement and heaters in the workplace.

"Should all go to plan", said another spokesperson to the one earlier, "their homes will be too cold to return to, and they'll have to stay at work all night. Then we can repossess their flats and house and sell them to millionaires to keep those whacking great truffles in". Calling it the 'Work To Live, Until You Die As You Haven't Long Left' scheme, or WTLUYDAYHLL for short, it's hoped that this will save the government tens of pounds. Ultimately this'll mean they can definitely continue to ignore any tax not coming in from huge companies that take them to lunch, as they really do like lunch.

All this should ensure that taxpayers money is not spent on those who "suck the life out of the tax system like poverty tramp leeches, disgusting, disgusting poor people. Urgh, urgh I feel sick thinking about them" and rather on increasing minister's salaries along a higher rate than the 121% increase they've had in the last five years. The Secretary For Work and Pensions aims to change his job title to Lord of The Strong, Damner Of The Weak and Pathetic to highlight exactly what he has to deal with. He said: "I just don't understand why these people feel they should have anything ever. We've taken away lots of jobs and now they are complaining they can't get jobs. Well, I think it's as though they aren't even trying to get the jobs that we've made sure aren't there. And if they aren't trying, then why on earth should they be allowed to eat, or stay warm, or get around or just generally not die?"

Changing their slogan to 'The Party for People Who Hate People Who Aren't Their Friends' they are hoping this new 'honest' face will increase votes in 2015. Or at least kill off anyone who might vote against them. Over the next six months its rumoured all houses without working chimneys will have them restored so children can sweep them for sixpence and 'stop trying to learn anything, the bloody skivers' while plans to use disabled people as speed bumps in roads are still being discussed.

The PM stated: "Look we can't just splash money on an Olympics and Jubilee every year so we've just given up trying to pretend we think you deserve to be even remotely happy. Unless someone comes up with a better idea you'll just have to knuckle down and accept 2013 is going to be crap for everyone that is too lazy to afford to go on a skiing holiday."

 

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