In the early moments of this morning it all became clear that we had a champion at the helm. After months and months of worry, indications that he may not carry it off, and general concern that after everything he's done, everything he's put himself and the country though, that we might not make it. But today, despite everything, with a tarnished look in his eye, George Gideon Osborne helped the UK to become victorious in being at the helm of the worst recession since the Second World War. After a year that has included such close victories as Murray nearly becoming British at Wimbledon and England being vaguely less shit at everything for marginally more time in the Euro 2012, you could have been forgiven for assuming it was all over for Osborne too. Many thought Greece would triumph overall, with its tactical attempts at recession despite bailouts. But like a true British winner, Gideon powered on through and finally made sure this country is best at something.
This hasn't come easily. Gideon has been training hard for this since the beginning. Ensuring he took History at University, rather than something appropriate, like say economics, meant he was already on the right path to securely ruin an economy better than anyone has done before whilst knowing about Vikings. Following this with a career in re-folding towels at Selfridges he gained the appropriate knowledge about doing something people had done before, only worse and getting away with it. From there his career in failure took a massive boost with his appointment as scriptwriter for William Hague, which as we all know, he did so exceedingly well at, that Hague's reputation has never quite recovered. Hague is is still known to this day as a massively incompetent bigot.
Like a true sportsman he's always ensured that those who helped him along the way have gained more than enough credit for it. Time and time again we've heard that this has nothing to do with his teammates efforts to keep people jobless for the cause or their increase in government spending, but instead that it's down to Labour who we all know left the job, at best, unfinished. As the public grew wise to his humble nature, Gideon tried shying away from the limelight of his success, diverting it to the Eurozone crisis that we all knew the government had safety funds in place for. When that wasn't enough it became the bank holiday weekend and Queen's Jubilee before most recently, in a surrealist moment of creativity he said it was the weather's doing. Only a true genius would blame rain in a country who's inhabitants should really be born with gills and webbed feet.
None of that will stop us from associating this double dip recession with Osborne though, no matter how hard he tries to pretend it's just his job. A double dip so severe that some say that in his honour they will make a rollercoaster based on the GDP growth charts of recent times. Many say however that unlike most rollercoasters that have a gradual rise up towards the end, the Big Dipper will instead just quickly plummet downwards at rapid speeds until it stops suddenly and everyone leaves feeling sick.
With this accolade behind him, what next? He won't say, but rumours suggest that with the big Sporty Corporate London Event currently happening, he'll quietly tell us just how it may ruin his achievement with its boost in tourist trade. Meanwhile, come October we expect the announcement that it has instead been part of his huge plan to drain all money from the British Isles like a gigantic Oxbridge vacuum and let the country hit what has only been spoken of in legend, the triple dip. Nick Clegg, in a rousing speech he gave in support yesterday, said 'The people of Britain won't just be watching you - they'll be right there with you.' And we will. All of us will be reaping the effects of Osborne's outstanding achievement for many, many years to come. Whether we like it or not.
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