Ever since John Lewis released their Always A Woman advert in 2010, a story of a girl with a severe ageing disease who gets pregnant opening a fridge, they have become known for their emotionally charged filmic ways of making viewers think that they actually care about your pitiful lives. Unless you are responsible for cleaning their stores.
This applies tenfold around Christmas time, mainly thanks to last year's tear inducing tale of a boy who couldn't wait to give his parents a present. Most of these tears were caused of course, through the deduction that if a small boy's parents don't know what he's got them, he's either been stealing from them or has just found some sort of mutilated pet, created a collage made of mud, or put something they already had inside a box. It's nice to see though that this year, they have gone all out to subvert Christmas ideas and instead make a small horror film about creepy, possessed snow people just to make sure we choose their stores to hide in should the snowpocalypse happen. Here is my step by step guide to this wintery fright fest:
Music: Using a haunting version of The Power Of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood, is an homage to the story of Frankenstein, where with his possessive infatuation with Elizabeth, the Doctor creates life. Much like these two small children, who clearly love their mum, create their snow people with no understanding of the chaos it will go on to create.
1) The children in snow outside the cabin from The Evil Dead. The forest is alive. Their mother who understands this, calls them in before it gets dark and they are attacked by trees. The snow people awake as soon as they are left alone. Their plan to fall from the sky as tiny snowflakes, then be assembled into daemons of cold by easily mind controlled children, has been fulfilled. They look at each other. They know what must be done. They would have sex but the friction would melt them. Damn their weaknesses!
2) The sun rises and one of the snow monsters has left. The girl, still dazed with brain invasions from the alien creatures, has a flicker of clarity. She knows something is wrong but cannot understand. The female snowmonster stays still. She has seen this in ninja films. By her staying still, the girl will think the male snowmonster is also still, and just blended into the snowy background as he has his eyes closed. The perfect ruse!
3) The ice sorcerer has taken to the road. This scene was edited so that the four vehicles that swerved to avoid him, then fell off the side of a cliff and were instantly killed, have all been left out. But it let it be known their screams would've made your face curdle. One of them, David Worcester, 47, had a wife and three children, all of whom had Christmas ruined by his death and also the fact that he had the turkey in his car and that was ruined too. The only indication we have of all this pain is the evil frost bastard's open mouthed expression as he starts to understand his power.
4) Sheep running away from the daemon. Animals can sense true evil.
5) The Cold Gargoyle in the forest. Forests are bad. He doesn't care. He sh*ts forests. Not really. He shits snowpellets in the shape of upside down crosses. But he could totally freeze a bear if he needed to. And he does. Eight bears die.
6) A snowstorm. Of course. This will only add snowflakes to his already formidable build. By this point Monsieur Neige is at least the size of four satans with swords balancing on a hell clown.
7) A river causes problems. Vampires and ghosts cannot cross water. Being the worst of both of those means the only way to survive is to speak to his forest spies like Sauroman does, causing a robin to fly off, hoping to bring back hordes of robins in order to lift Ice-Scream high over the river, each bird taking one snowflake each over the course of four days. But then he sees a raft so all those birds waste their time. 26 die in the cold.
8) He climbs a mountain to look down on the city he must destroy in order to grow. It is only time before all those people feel the wrath of his freezing might. The old people will go first, they will be easiest. Remember that facial expression? Compared to this, the road kills were just a starter. Cold meats if you will. Or a gazpacho. He crosses a motorway bridge, and the camera cuts before he throws lumps of concrete off it for laughs. 17 deaths, 9 injured and one man a mile away had a hernia.
9) WHY ARE PEOPLE THROWING MY CHILDREN? THEY WILL PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES! Using his now diamond solid carrot nose as an ice pick, each of the culprits are stabbed in the brain through the eyes/ice, and disposed off in the large waste bin in the alley. They mustn't be found yet.
10) A small boy sees Slash N Hack Frost, but avoids his hands of stick death for their are bigger matters to deal with. OUTTAKES: Snowarsehole dives into John Lewis killing everyone inside using a variety of inventive methods, including a lot of the freezer section, gardening section, electrical section and at one point, a single trainer. People try to destroy him. One woman managed to use a lighter to scar the daemon's face but before she knew it, the flame was doused with ice breath and she was choked to death with a tartan, cashmere scarf (£45 and available in 5 different colours). No one is left alive. Years later people would find bodies frozen in time, like victims of Medusa, only you know, colder. The image of one man desperately reaching for thermals in the men's section, frozen tears arching from his face into some long johns he just couldn't get, will haunt many for years to come. One policeman quits the force and suffers nightmares for years. He is never able to go into the freezer section at supermarkets and commits suicide one day when his wife absent-mindedly offers him a Mini Milk.
11) The girl is happy her alien master has returned. During her wait she has had to eat her brother in order to survive. She was of no use after she had helped him build the Ice King anyway. The Snow Witch is pleased with her gloves. Now when she kills her child slave, no finger prints will be left. As she relishes this, she realises the scarf and hat combination are starting to melt her head. Its all part of his plan. He must turn the world into an icy shitfest by himself. That's how he arctic rolls.
Next year I hope to see a sequel whereby the snowman terrorises a party of teenagers who think it's hilarious to drink slush puppies. Good luck John Lewis. I hope this changes Christmas traditions and blends it seamlessly into halloween, until we have one 3 month period where we can all dress up like twats , scoff mince pies and tell children that Santa Claus is so called due to his massive knife like talons that he guts people with. Merry Christmassacre everyone!
Follow Tiernan Douieb on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TiernanDouieb