There has been one article I have been trying to avoid writing, picking any number of random topics that pop up just so I don't need to write it. Yet, it is the most common, universally relatable, and probably silently earth shattering event in your life. The old capital H; yes that's right folks - Heartbreak. I have seen countless clients now from all over the world, and everyone has a heartbreak story in one variety or another.
Isn't it so strange how any sane person can be brought to their knees being crippled by heartbreak? It doesn't matter how strong or logical you are, it seems that when the heart experiences heartache, we all seem to respond in one way, that is - totally. We all exhibit different ways of coping, some are silent, some are loud, some are totally self destructive. But above all, we all feel it totally, and those that don't feel it probably never felt the in love part, or are very good at hiding their emotions - yes those pesky emotional zombies walking around, they seem to have it slightly easier don't they?
There was a guy who I was dating, I nicknamed him Cyborg, don't worry he actually liked the name; he called himself it from then on. His reasoning was that he had already been hurt, so now he didn't feel anymore, or he felt he couldn't hurt anymore. That's a pretty dismal thought isn't it?
So what we have are many souls, wandering through life, ricocheting from their last emotional interaction, and sometimes punishing the new and innocent souls which intersect along the way. Are the majority of people walking through their life carrying bandages from their last personal emotional version of WW2?
Without turning this into the spiritual version of Sex And The City - I was dating someone for a while, all seemed really great. We met and immediately got along well, I mean hey; he had muscles, tattoos and liked dogs. He was slightly emotionally retarded, but how on earth could this go wrong?
As good a heart as he had, he seemed to be walking with a large ominous shadow following him constantly - his baggage and fear. It didn't take long before the other shoe dropped.
Instead of being able to talk about it, his only emotional coping mechanism was to ignore me, attack me, and then shut down and call it off without a conversation. The funny thing for me was that I was less hurt by the breakup, because I already knew the energy was winding up; I was more disappointed in the way it ended. My teacher told me that any time he felt love he would immediately associate that with pain, shut down and run away.
Life in general isn't about being an expert, I mean who is? We can only hope that we do the best we can in each and every moment, and extending that into how we treat and appreciate others around us. So what happens to people in that moment (or the many moments) when things occur and that crucial part of us that would never want to do poorly to others fails - and then it's all on for young and old? Maybe it's the survival mode that kicks in, our most primal parts, having a major emotional freak out and the only thing to do is lash out, shut down, or run away crying - or all three.
Less about the why people do it, and more about what actually happens to you. I have noticed that the major root of the pain which people carry from it is this sense that their world is falling apart. The key part or emotion seems to be that people feel that they need to hold onto the pain, because it proves that it was huge - if they got over it, then maybe it wouldn't have meant as much, sometimes we really want to hold onto that pain, it feels like it validates it all.
The second part that stops people from letting go is that they worry that the connection they felt with this person will never ever be matched. That nothing to come will ever eclipse what has been. So they look out at the unknown, not being able to let go of an idea of someone projecting that nothing will ever be as full on as the emotion they feel now.
The third part - and potentially the most crippling long term, is when people won't let go because they 'feel' the relationship isn't over, and that the person will return. This one can be the most destructive because it is the final massive block which stops healing and moving on. When you are in situations of the heart, you often can't listen to your intuition clearly because you want the topic so desperately.
Here is some advice to follow when it comes to matters of the heart:
Follow Todd Savvas on Twitter: www.twitter.com/toddsavvas