I've never ridden a bike in the nude and this is because I am very wary of hitting a bump too hard and introducing the saddle to my prostate. Some people do it on a yearly basis, and they love it. Four weeks are dedicated to the obscure holiday. Those four weeks are World Naked Bike Ride month.
In June, the world is subjected to the squeaking of flesh-on-rubber as riders hoist their naked selves onto their bikes to go on a jolly good nude bike ride. It appeals to a wide range of people, and encourages them to be active and "celebrate the human body and cycling". It's also designed to be a fingers-up at big oil companies, but what isn't these days?
Clothing is optional; the phrase "be as bare as you dare" is chanted at people querying how much skin to show. Although it is a different way to exercise, everyone who takes part seems to find it unquestionably exciting and exhilarating. Despite its popularity, I am dubious as to whether adopting nudity will catch on in other exercise routines. Yoga, for example, might become a little different when you look up from your downward-face dog position and find that you're using the person in front as a human telescope.
The holiday is well thought-out and completely serious. One question often on the minds of potential nude riders is none other than "won't it hurt riding naked on a bicycle?" The simple answer is that it won't hurt any more than when you ride with trousers on - but the organisers can give you a list of more comfortable seats to ease the minds and throbbing arses of delicate riders.
And for those who can't ride a bike but want an excuse to be naked: good news! You can skateboard, rollerblade or scoot your way around. As long as you've got some bits out, the organisers don't mind. If you don't own a bike or any other appropriate means of transport, it is suggested that you borrow something from your neighbour.
I'd advise you being on pretty good terms with your neighbour before you hunker down on their saddle with your bare buttocks because you will inevitably get a bit sweaty. Having to explain to Mr Jones why his bike's saddle is suspiciously shiny could cause a tense fence relationship later on in the future, and you'll probably end up with one less Christmas card.
Like Christmas, this marvelous holiday is celebrated with festive tunes. 'Jingle Balls', 'Flashing Through The Snow' and 'Jingle Bell Cock' are the most popular Naked Bike Ride month songs. (None of that is true, no, but it was too good a thing to pass up).
For a world consumed by technology; a world where people can sit at computers for hours on end and achieve nothing, perhaps this is a good move. To have the confidence to wear nothing and cycle around with hundreds of other nude people is an impressive act of self-will, especially when (like me) you can just read about it in the comfort of your own home.
This event is about the freeing of the body and exercising on your bike, and the more I read about it, the more tempted I am to give it a go. I will be sure to remember to wish people a "Happy Nude Bike Ride" next June as I sail past them with my testicles hanging dangerously close to the gear mechanism of my neighbour's bike.