As the Academy Awards are across the globe and in the middle of the night, I imposed an assignment on myself to write an inaugural running commentary on our favourite awards show of the year.
Somehow I convinced my wife to stay up and watch. We both knew my mission - to distil three hours of coverage into the eight minutes everyone cares about.
You guys all owe me one.
12:15am GMT - We are tuned into E! Entertainment's red carpet coverage with host Ryan Seacrest - and bang! Off to the races with what undoubtedly will be the highlight of the evening. Sasha Baron Cohen, dressed as The Dictator, bumbled an urn full of Kim Jong Il's ashes (or maybe pancake batter) onto Ryan Seacrest. Security is going bananas. They are trained to protect celebrities from fans, not from other celebrities. They shuffle Sasha away and look for someone other than themselves to clean up the mess.
12:23 - Ryan Seacrest's tuxedo still looks like it came from the cleaners next to Mt. Vesuvius. Hey, there´s Melanie and Antonio. My wife says, "Wow, they must have put her on a major diet. Remember how fat she had gotten." A woman's perspective on Oscar night is 20 times more important than usual.
The work on Melanie's face is looking better. This might be the time to figure out our Facelift Ranking System (FRS!). Shall we use a one to 10 with one being Demi Moore and 10 the undisputed champion, Joan Rivers?
On the FRS Melanie's previous eight has plummeted to a more human looking four.
12:30 - E! Entertainment has assembled a studio panel of fashionistas commenting on the red carpet designer dresses. How did Kelly Osborne get this gig? Isn't this the single biggest career rebirth since Mickey Rourke went from studly leading man in 9 ½ Weeks to character actor with pork chops stuck to his face in The Wrestler?
BTW, I haven't seen Mickey Rourke, but am still giving him a 9 ½ on the FRS.
1:02 - Nick Nolte gives us the second treasure from the red carpet. Nick is channeling Kenny Rogers after swallowing a bottle of mescaline. I literally do not know what Nick is saying right now.
1:30am GMT - And here we go! Morgan Freeman introduces the festivities: "Live from Hollywood it's the 84th Annual Academy Awards." Two things: next time I have man flu I want to cuddle up to Morgan´s voice, and, is anyone questioning why he is wearing only one glove and a really crooked tie? Just asking...
1:37 - Billy Crystal opts for a montage instead of the standard opening monologue. The Oscars editing crew have inserted Billy performing hilarious hi-jinks into scenes from all nine Best Picture movies. I prefer this to what I am guessing the monologue would have been. Billy's face has s a waxlike quality like his double at Madame Tussaud's. On the FRS he gets a solid 7.8
Best line of the show so far: Billy says, "So tonight, enjoy yourselves because nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues". You get what you pay for with Billy Crystal, rock-solid one-liners from the '80s.
1:43 - Hugo wins two Oscars in categories nobody cares about. A strong reminder that this is what is in store for us with the Oscars. Is it too late to change one of my three Aladdin wishes? If not, I am going with: condense the three-hour show into a meaty 23 minutes of the Big Six (Best Supporting Actor and Actress, Best Actor and Actress, Best Director and Best Picture) and leave a cup of tea and the entertainment section of the paper next to my bed for the morning.
1:55 - Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz giving away the Oscar for the I don´t care because they both look hot award. My wife agrees, "Look they´ve pulled J Lo's boobs up since the red carpet." Ah, wow you are right, honey, how did I miss that...
2:10 - Here we go with the first of the Big Six. Christian Bale is presenting the Best Supporting Actress category. I now believe that Christian wakes up in the morning and writes which accent he will use for the day onto his wrist. Does anyone remember what country he is from? Octavia Spencer from The Help wins. I would have paid money to watch Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids rip our heads off us with her acceptance speech, but I´m good with Octavia being so lovely.
2:23 - Machete-ing through awards I will forget the winner of in five minutes. For the first time my eyelids remind me they are in the room.
2:39 - Great performance from Cirque Du Soleil. If you haven't seen it, immediately drop what you are doing and go. Trust me on this.
2:43 - We are over an hour into the show and finally someone drags these Oscars out of my parents' living room. While Robert Downey Jr. and Gweneth are presenting Best Documentary, RDJ does a fun bit about being filmed live for his own gonzo documentary called The Presenter. With his film crew in tow and inches from Gweneth's face, it works. I have just uttered the words: the Oscars did something creative. With that, I am now concerned about the effects I may be experiencing from sleep deprivation.
2:55 - Emma Stone and Ben Stiller jar my eyes back into focus. Emma Stone is damn funny and deserves every bit of my half-laugh, half-croak.
3:01 - 82 year old Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor. Nice moment.
3:08 - Angelina Jolie has officially stolen the evening, but for all the wrong reasons. Here's what we have: She is ghastly thin. No I mean take-her-to-the-hospital-thin like the anorexic girls in Super Size vs Super Skinny. She proceeds to do the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. While stepping up to her spot for presenting, she positions one stilt-like leg in front of her like a kickstand - to poke out of the slit in her dress. At the same time she sweeps her opposite arm around and places hand on waist. The thought occurs that this is a counter ballast system devised to keep her upright - because her legs no longer work. The moment is so freakishly awkward I want to call 999. Brad! What the eff is going on in your house!
Angie's FRS is a runaway locomotive.
3:48 - Nothing to report, just typing to keep myself awake. We are two hours and 18 minutes in and only one of the Big Six has been presented. I look at my wife and get the I am really pissed that I am such a supportive wife look. How did this become my fault? Did I really just ask that...
3:54 - The director from The Artist wins Best Director. I need to see that movie. Also, I am pretty sure his acceptance speech was a coded message to France. Although, it might also have been a semi-conscious hallucination.
4:25 - Meryl Streep wins Best Actress. Her speech is what it should be after winning the 758th award of her career - a practiced and polished thing of beauty.
4:33 - And Best Picture goes to...The Artist. If I were able to move my body I would book my Orange Wednesday ticket online to see it this week. Instead I reach for the remote and...