WARNING: This blog contains graphic sexual content...
It's the Diamond Jubilee weekend and Brits will spend it drinking tea, eating cake and reflecting on all things British.
Well, your grandparents might.
Most of us will spend it getting trollied at street parties or tipsy in the park and by the river, eyeing off attractive strangers, toasting The Queen rather a lot more than necessary and stumbling home, in a celebratory mood, happy... and friskier than a TOWIE star out on the tiles.
Nothing like a national celebration to up the national average for sex. The combination of party + alcohol + time off + a lie in = more sex for everyone! Less 'God save the Queen' more "God help me I'm horny as hell'. First came the baby boomers when the world 'celebrated' after the war; brace yourself for the 'Jubilee Generation'.
And why not! The luxury of more play time is an inspired reason to make this a sexsational weekend. But play nicely people. The downside to horny hilarity is unwanted visitors (pregnancy or STIs), drunken snogs with people you shouldn't have your lips locked with, sex that doesn't quite turn out the way you'd imagined and red faces at the breakfast table.
Have a happy bonk holiday with this 'what if' trouble-shooting guide:
WHAT TO DO IF...
You fancy sex alfresco: Feeling saucy after Pimm's in the park and fancy taking a naughty detour on the way home? Taking sex outside turns tired, routine sex acts into ultra-charged erotic thrills. In the safety of your own home, your partner's hand sliding up your leg feels mundane; done in semi-public it's suddenly massively exciting. Choose low-risk places, fondle through clothing rather than remove it, choose a position you can unwind from in a flash and consider sticking to foreplay and finishing at home.
The mind willing but the flesh is weak: Alcohol release inhibitions and ups desire. Sadly, it also makes for wobbly erections and numb clitorises.
For her: 'Brewer's Droop' - the old fashioned term for erection problems after too much to drink - makes some positions impossible. Gravity helps so make sure he's on top and use your fingers to help push him inside you. Also remember, you don't need an erect penis to enjoy sex. Tongues and fingers feel equally as fabulous! Watch or read some erotica to provide the extra jolt he needs to sit up and pay attention. If you've been together a while, take hold of his penis with an extra strong grip. But if it's early days, putting too much pressure on him to perform will have the opposite effect. Instead, shift the attention from him to you. Ask him to give you oral, put his hands on your breasts. All eyes away from the drunk and nervous penis please!
For him: Too much alcohol makes nerve endings feel desensitized - one reason why she wakes up the morning after a drunken night before to find her telly cranked to deafening levels - and her vibrator on the strongest setting possible. She'll probably need much stronger, firmer stimulation than usual - and added extras. If she's hovering at the can't-quite-get-there stage for too long, add a vibrator, a tongue, an extra finger. Or both move away from the myth that says 'the only good sex is one where we both have an orgasm' and enjoy it for what it is: a highly pleasurable drunken fumble that feels great even if it doesn't result in climax for both or either of you.
You're tempted by others: Public holidays mean you're both out and about more, mixing with strangers more. Everyone's in a celebratory mood, drinking, chatting - and sometimes in fancy dress (the perfect chance for us to show off our best bits). If it's hot, there's even more to feast our eyes on as men strip off shirts, women bare midriffs and expose long, long legs. Temptation is everywhere and even the happiest couple can feel the inevitable and insistent pull of the lure of 'the new'.
How to enjoy yourself but resist temptation? First up, don't kid yourself you're bullet-proof. If you're out solo, feeling tipsy and chatting to someone who is becoming more attractive by the moment, leave. Don't kid yourself you're having 'a harmless flirt'. If that's impossible and you feel the 'harmless flirting' is being misinterpreted by the other person, start talking about your partner. Start sentences with 'We'. Say 'My wife/husband/partner blah blah blah'. In other words, don't pretend to be single if you're not. If it's left you feeling frisky, hang onto that feeling, get yourself home and unleash it on your partner. During the session, I see nothing wrong with playing a tape of what might have happened in your head as a fantasy. So long as it's in your head and not happening in your bed, it's fairly harmless and an excellent way to keep things spicy without acting out.
You're horny but have a house full of friends and family: Friends or in-laws staying over? Turn the need for silent sex from a negative to a positive. Once you're safely behind closed doors, lock yourselves in. Neither of you are allowed to make so much as a peep, no matter what your partner does to you. Make it naughtier by putting your hands over each other's mouths during crucial moments. Take advantage of every opportunity alone: send the visitors down to the shops for crucial cooking ingredients while you indulge in a quickie. Have sneaky snogs in the kitchen while they're innocently watching the BBQ. And remember to put all your toys in a lockable drawer if children are also coming to stay. Do you really fancy explaining to all exactly what little Sophie has clutched in her plump little hand?
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